no mocking

Last Friday we tried something new in F-8. An outdoor yoga and meditation class for 30 people. My regular guys were skeptical about allowing more people to participate. They Said " They'll mock the yoga, Miss Tejal. They'll just mess around the whole time." Somehow the word got around that this was to be respected, and entered into with seriousness, because this is the way the men wanted it.

Thursday we had 50-60 miles an hours winds and cold, and Friday started off blustery, snow showers, and generally psychotic New Mexico spring weather. Standing out in the reck yard at 2:10, waiting for my guys, the sun broke through and made a twisty grid pattern through the wire mesh.

The men stood, chilly in their cotton orange jail uniforms, and I asked them to spread out and find a spot of sun, make sure they had enough room to swing their arms around
without hitting any one. There was a quiet expectancy, and little bit of nervous laughter.

We did about 45 minutes of postures, and fell into the peaceful entrainment that inevitably comes from practicing yoga together, each man in his own square of sun light and brilliant blue sky.

We sat in meditation for 10 minutes, then one young man sang a beautiful song, a sweet ballad for his girl.

Then we passed a candy wrapper for a talking stick. I heard men praying for the safety and well being of their families, and may they lack nothing.

I heard men saying "Thank you for taking your time to be with us." I heard men saying "I was was stressed and gloomy before, now I see things in perspective."
I said "I have been doing yoga for 30 years, and wherever I go in the world it feels like this: People feeling right with each other."

I heard no mocking.

sally port

The other day I was waiting in the sally port with my students, 15 or 16 guys. "Suspect" goes "Your fuckin tag is showing, homes!" And tucks in the tag to my shirt.

A few months earlier a CO (guard) accompanied us into the sally port. This has never happened before. I've gone through the sally port with inmates and without escort hundreds of times. There's quite a bit of muttering about this.

"Why's the Co with us?'

"There's a new rule, women have to be escorted in the sally port"

"Aww we would never hurt Tejal!"

"No way!" "She's our teacher, man"

"Besides if we tried, She'd kick our ass!"

That was the first and last time I've been escorted in the sally port.

My very first time in the sally port, a glass and metal space about the size of a freight elevator and always about 85 degrees, the fellow who was training me left me alone in there with 12 guys in orange. I was nervous, my first day on the job.

One guy said "hey how many of you guys are in here for violent crimes?" They ALL raised their hands. I was scared, but kept my feet on the ground and kept eye contact with the guys right next to me. I saw the twinkle in his eyes, and realized, that although they may indeed be there for violent crime, they were just messing with me.

We did the 90 minute class, and I got to teach in this setting for the first time. The sincerity, humility, heart, and wisdom the men shared blew me away. During the check out I heard " Thank you Miss Tejal for seeing us for who we really are.' "Thank you miss, for treating us with respect." " Thank you, miss for seeing past the orange."

How can I create a helping relationship? Carl Rogers

In his book On Becoming A Person Carl Rogers asks himself
“ How can I create a helping relationship?

These are some of the questions he asks:


1. Can I be in some way, which will be perceived by the other as trustworthy, as dependable or consistent in some deep sense?

2. Can I let myself experience positive attitudes toward this person - attitudes of warmth, caring, liking, interest, respect?

3. Can I be strong enough as a person to be separate from the other?


4. Can I be a sturdy respecter of my own feelings, my own needs, as well as his?


5. Am I strong enough in my own separateness that I will not be downcast by his depression, frightened by his fear, nor engulfed by his dependency?


6. Is my inner self hardy enough to realize I am not destroyed by his anger, nor enslaved by his love, but that I exist separate from him with feelings and rights of my own?


7. Can I permit him to be what he is – honest or deceitful, infantile or adult, despairing or over-confident?


8. Can I give him freedom just to be, without feeling that he should follow my advice, nor remain somewhat dependent on me, nor mold himself after me?


9. Can I step into his world so completely that I lose all desire to evaluate or judge it?


10. Can I meet this other individual as a person who is in the process of becoming, or will I be bound by his past as well as my past?

These questions and attitudes are the foundation upon which I walk into my work in the jail, and the churches and yoga centers where I also teach. This attitude provides me with a clear open space in which real connection and healing can happen.

I shared this list of questions with my class recently, we discussed each question, then I asked them which ones were the most important to them.

Felipe who is a charming fellow with a major meth problem said "1. Can I be in some way, which will be perceived by the other as trustworthy, as dependable or consistent in some deep sense?" He said "My family has had it with me. It will take a long time for me to rebuild their trust."

Several men chose "10.Can I meet this other individual as a person who is in the process of becoming, or will I be bound by his past as well as my past?" "We need to let go of the past'" they said.

And several more chose "6.Is my inner self hardy enough to realize I am not destroyed by his(her) anger, nor enslaved by his(her) love, but that I exist separate from him(her) with feelings and rights of my own?"

I was surprised because they were so quiet during this discussion that I wasn't sure any one was getting much out of it. But it turns out that question # 6 was deeply relevant. The need to live and let live is so important, especially when things get intense.

how felons would rule the world

Monday I showed the movie 2012 to eighteen men held in the highest felony classification at MDC. Wednesday we talked about the film. I asked them

"If you were on one of those arcs, and landed in a new world: how would you run it?

They said:

1. We would organize people right way to raise stock and get agriculture going.

2. Everyone would receive land to cultivate.

3. We would set up communication systems and technology to keep everyone connected right away.

4. All leaders would be volunteers, not paid in order to eliminate corruption.

5. We would govern ourselves by counsels like Native Americans. Everyone has a voice.

6. There would be no money, but a barter system.

7. Child molesters, rapists, and malicious murderers would be tried by a counsel of their peers and swiftly put to death if found guilty.

8. Herbs such as marijuana and poppy would be respected for their and recreational medical value and be legal.

9. Diversity and unity wold be developed through education.

a fierce and joyful sound

Sheets of rain swept across the desert as I drove out to the volcanoes Monday. Clouds sailed across the sky drenching parts of the road, city neighborhoods, Kirtland Air Force Base, and acres of desert. A small mountain in the distance glowed white and blue under the clouds, melodramatic rays of sunlight blessing its stony flanks. Driving in the desert is a lot like sailing on the sea. You can see whole weather formations build and resolve. We don't really have rainy days, but watch distinct rain clouds on the move. In summer its so hot that rain sometimes burns up and evaporates before it ever hits the ground.

As I travel across this landscape on my way to the jail, I am deeply grateful, aware that my students never get to see this heavenly drama; only a small rectangle of sky through metal mesh in the ceiling of the reck yard.

Last week we had an early warm spell, hinting of spring. I heard a racket of men shouting when I got to the parking lot, figured they were enjoyed some rowdy games of hand ball on this mild day.

I made my way to my pod through the maze of security, sally ports and endless hall ways stinking of wax and ammonia. Most of my guys were indeed outside. Maybe thirty bare chested men were playing hand ball in the reck yard. Four Native Americans back in the corner were using a plastic lounge chair as a drum, singing their hearts out, making an enormous, fierce and joyful sound.

Radiance

In my writing class we talk about a topic, write about it, and then read what we've written. I wrote this in class on 2/23/2010.

Shame, depression, anxiety, hurt, anger, failure, disappointment, fatigue, loneliness, jealousy, not belonging, sadness, grief- all experiences I've had. They feel heavy, drag me down, make me want to curl up under the covers and hide. Make me want to give up, cuss somebody out, scream, cry. This is one side of my human experience.

On the other side there is the simple pleasure of cutting up vegetables to make a nice meal for my friends and family. On this side I walk into work and feel good about it.
I love, sing, make things beautiful, feel smart and capable. I bounce back, go for a walk and feel the land's intelligence, the benediction of the sky.

I walk a tight rope between these two sides. I use my skills to stay on the bright side as much as possible.

Beyond these two sides is an awareness that sees it all, smiling serenely. An instant of this awareness shifts me from a worried, depressed lump to a radiant being, who is able to see your radiance too.

If you smile I will shoot you

Wednesday I saw a big group of guys in orange sitting in the huge mirror polished hallway guarded by 6 or 8 armed security guards, six more security guys in midnight blue, backs as wide as doors, were sitting a table in the pod. No sign of inmates; turns out they were the ones sitting in the hall. The sargeant told me they were doing a shake down because two guys OD'd on heroin in my pod. They were going to empty each cell, tear apart every mattress, search with narcotic dogs, then strip and cavity search the 78 men who live in that pod.

As I left, two big gorgeous narc dogs, held in tight by their armed masters, sniffed me, and wagged their tails.

I came back Monday and walked in the Pod to cheers: COMIENZOS! They yelled, grinning and pumping fists. I took names for my waiting list (17) and gathered my 14 students.

We got into the class room, and got caught up on who had gone to seg, who had gone home, and who had gone to prison. I asked them how they were about the OD's and the Shake down and they said just another day at MDC, no big deal. We missed class though, they said.

A couple guys gave book reports: one on Cider House Rules by John Irving, I wrote the themes he talked about on the board: orphanage, abortion, foster care, Rules other people make up for you.

Jonathan is reading the Bhagavad Gita. He said he had gotten to page 70 and he was really loving it. He said he kept reading it over and over.
"What's in that book is the way you teach this class" he said. "I'm glad you got that!" I said and read

"The Self cannot be pierced with weapons nor burned with fire;
water cannot wet it, nor can the wind dry it.
The Self cannot be pierced or burned, made wet or dry.
It is everlasting and infinite,
standing on the motionless foundation of eternity."

We talked about this a bit, then I gave them 15 minutes to write in response to these themes.

Alonzo wrote about going to boarding school age five, learning to fight for his life there.

Ray talked about the horrible foster homes he's been in.

Anthony told about growing up in an orphanage because his alcoholic Mom had given him up, going from there to many foster homes, and from there to living in garages. His auntie called him when his Mom was dying. He flew three hours only to arrive moments after she had passed. When he saw her cold and lifeless body he yelled "Oh no you don't you bitch! wake up! you wake up! I just flew three hours to get here!" And she did! She opened here eyes and smiled at him, then left for good.

The class decided they wanted to study more of the Gita so we're adding this to our regular routine.

Next came the Communication class. Asked them about the shake down: Not that big a deal, we missed class, they said.

We were working on how to respond to a difficult message, an exercise that helps to shift out of blame and helps to respond with empathy.

I asked them for examples of messages they have received that were difficult to hear.

They were:

Alonzo's public defender:
"Even though you have been detained here without trail since May of 2009, I am not going to open your case until March of 2010." ( this time span means he will lose his parental rights.)

Felipe's Family:
"We hate it when you are drinking and using meth. It makes you a different person."

The security guards talking to Jamie while they were sitting in the hall handcuffed during the shake down:
"If you smile I will shoot you." ( with pepper spray )

The security guards to Richard shoots the wall over his head and says:

"If you laugh again I will shoot you."

His self empathy response: "ummm I'm helpless here"
His empathy for the guard: "Since you are showing these young recruits how its done, you must need to demonstrate total control over the situation."

It was a good class. We noticed how much everyone calmed down and got clear minded when we went to empathy; reflected on how you can't necessarily change the other person's behavior, but you have less stress yourself when you focus on empathy.