I brought in a new guy into the NonViolent Communication class a couple weeks ago. There was a bit of grumbling about him, some guys said he was crazy.
His first class we did a classic NVC exercise connecting an observation to a feeling to a need.
When it came to his turn came he said his wife didn't want him to have any contact with his daughters because he was in jail again. That he felt like killing her, and his need was to have a connection with his kids. His rage was palpable, and he had a tendency to go on and on and on. It was work to keep him focused.
He's repeat offender, and he's looking at a 92 years prison sentence.
By the end of this class, I'm doubting I can help him, and worried that he will be a pain and bring the level of the whole class down.
Next class we work on the idea of taking responsibility for our own feelings and needs instead of blaming others. He's a little quieter.
Next class we go over the list of basic human needs, and try seeing what people are doing and saying as an expression of those needs instead of judging them.
He said OK. I don't feel like killing my wife anymore, but I'm really missing my kids.
Next class we did an empathy practice. Each man talked about what was up for him, and then others guessed what he was feeling.
When it came to his turn this man said "I like listening to you all because I like hearing the hope you have for your lives. I have no hope. I'm a drug addict and I've been in the system since I was 9 years old, and I'm going to prison for the rest of my life. But I like hearing your hope, and your feelings because it means I might be able to deal with my own feelings. I cry myself to sleep every night, every night."
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
May all Beings be Happy
How sweet it is:
The lights turned down. Seventeen guys in the classroom, several new ones.
Chair yoga, a forward bend, a hip opener, a spinal twist, a lunge, a balancing pose.
Breathing: Ocean Sounding Breath for 15 breaths " let's sound like the Ocean"
Ocean Sounding breath with ears closed ( sounds much louder) for 10 breaths.
Meditation:
Focus your breath in your heart.
from your heart develop this positive intent towards yourself:
May I be happy
May I be safe
May I be free from suffering
May my heart remain open
Picture a loved one in front of you, connect your heart to their heart, send this positive intent towards them:
May you be happy
May you be safe
May you be free from suffering
May my heart remain open
Imagine a person you don't know, you have no positive or negative attitude about, a neutral person.
Send this positive intent towards them.
May you be happy
May you be safe
May you be free from suffering
May my heart remain open
Bring into your awareness everyone in this room
May every person in this room be happy
May you be safe
May you be free from suffering
May my heart remain open
Imagine a web of connections going out to all our relations, to everyone we know, all our relations
May all our relations be happy
May they be safe
May they be free from suffering
May their hearts remain open
Think of the whole world, all the beings who fly or walk or crawl or swim upon this earth,
May all Beings be happy
May they be safe
May they be free from suffering
May their hearts remain open
The we just sat in silence for a while
Then I asked them how this practice worked for them.
They said
I also prayed for my enemies, I always pray for them.
I don't have a loved one, so I sent my love to the loved ones of everyone else here.
It took a weight off my heart.
It changed my perspective.
I relaxed me.
I helped, it helped me forget I was here, and let go of the negativity of this place.
The lights turned down. Seventeen guys in the classroom, several new ones.
Chair yoga, a forward bend, a hip opener, a spinal twist, a lunge, a balancing pose.
Breathing: Ocean Sounding Breath for 15 breaths " let's sound like the Ocean"
Ocean Sounding breath with ears closed ( sounds much louder) for 10 breaths.
Meditation:
Focus your breath in your heart.
from your heart develop this positive intent towards yourself:
May I be happy
May I be safe
May I be free from suffering
May my heart remain open
Picture a loved one in front of you, connect your heart to their heart, send this positive intent towards them:
May you be happy
May you be safe
May you be free from suffering
May my heart remain open
Imagine a person you don't know, you have no positive or negative attitude about, a neutral person.
Send this positive intent towards them.
May you be happy
May you be safe
May you be free from suffering
May my heart remain open
Bring into your awareness everyone in this room
May every person in this room be happy
May you be safe
May you be free from suffering
May my heart remain open
Imagine a web of connections going out to all our relations, to everyone we know, all our relations
May all our relations be happy
May they be safe
May they be free from suffering
May their hearts remain open
Think of the whole world, all the beings who fly or walk or crawl or swim upon this earth,
May all Beings be happy
May they be safe
May they be free from suffering
May their hearts remain open
The we just sat in silence for a while
Then I asked them how this practice worked for them.
They said
I also prayed for my enemies, I always pray for them.
I don't have a loved one, so I sent my love to the loved ones of everyone else here.
It took a weight off my heart.
It changed my perspective.
I relaxed me.
I helped, it helped me forget I was here, and let go of the negativity of this place.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
warriors
Last week I talked with a Navaho man who has been detained at MDC for 12 months and five days. He had been my classes since September.
At twenty six he seems ageless, his handsome, scarred face and dark eyes showing a kind of seriousness and wisdom I have rarely seen. Perhaps what I am seeing in him is the face of a veteran, a warrior who has fought but is not defeated.
He was placed in a boarding school for Native American kids when he was five, and held in this place till he was nine. There he learned to fight to get food, to defend himself from bigger boys, to steal the money his grandma sent him for food back from the aides. There, he was left by his older brother who went to live with grandma, and his baby brother who went back to live with his mother. There he became a warrior. The person he does not want to be anymore. A person who learned to use his fists to get respect and to survive.
He is a free man today, eager to start life over, to take care of his children and to leave his fighting days behind him.
Yesterday I interviewed another man who was born a crack baby to a woman who stole him back from social services three times. Three sets of foster parents gave him back to social services because he was "too bad." Raging and tearing up the house. I don't quite get a how a baby of 15 months or two years could be "too bad", but that's his story.
Finally at three years old he got adopted by a family that loved him and kept him.
He's been in my class for about six months and he has a super angry demeanor, that absolutely calms down the minute you look him in the eye, and treat him with respect. Over the months he became one of the students who carries the class; keeps it focused, is trustworthy and reliable, and inside that hard shell, a very kind and creative person.
We talked about his youth in the "Bloods" in California, growing with a loving family who supported his athletic career, learning about music from a young age, seeing many of his friends shot to death or going to prison, and deciding to go into the music business.
He talked about what it was like to grow up where gangs originally started to protect the neighborhood and manage the drug trade. And how in time the money and power fuelled increasing violence among the gangs.
I have come to know and respect these two men for their integrity, their creativity, their devotion to their families and their courage. When I get a glimpse of how much culturally ingrained violence they have survived, I am appalled. I hold with them their dream of moving forward, leaving all that violence behind, taking care of their young families, and succeeding in their work.
At twenty six he seems ageless, his handsome, scarred face and dark eyes showing a kind of seriousness and wisdom I have rarely seen. Perhaps what I am seeing in him is the face of a veteran, a warrior who has fought but is not defeated.
He was placed in a boarding school for Native American kids when he was five, and held in this place till he was nine. There he learned to fight to get food, to defend himself from bigger boys, to steal the money his grandma sent him for food back from the aides. There, he was left by his older brother who went to live with grandma, and his baby brother who went back to live with his mother. There he became a warrior. The person he does not want to be anymore. A person who learned to use his fists to get respect and to survive.
He is a free man today, eager to start life over, to take care of his children and to leave his fighting days behind him.
Yesterday I interviewed another man who was born a crack baby to a woman who stole him back from social services three times. Three sets of foster parents gave him back to social services because he was "too bad." Raging and tearing up the house. I don't quite get a how a baby of 15 months or two years could be "too bad", but that's his story.
Finally at three years old he got adopted by a family that loved him and kept him.
He's been in my class for about six months and he has a super angry demeanor, that absolutely calms down the minute you look him in the eye, and treat him with respect. Over the months he became one of the students who carries the class; keeps it focused, is trustworthy and reliable, and inside that hard shell, a very kind and creative person.
We talked about his youth in the "Bloods" in California, growing with a loving family who supported his athletic career, learning about music from a young age, seeing many of his friends shot to death or going to prison, and deciding to go into the music business.
He talked about what it was like to grow up where gangs originally started to protect the neighborhood and manage the drug trade. And how in time the money and power fuelled increasing violence among the gangs.
I have come to know and respect these two men for their integrity, their creativity, their devotion to their families and their courage. When I get a glimpse of how much culturally ingrained violence they have survived, I am appalled. I hold with them their dream of moving forward, leaving all that violence behind, taking care of their young families, and succeeding in their work.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
sage in the yard
Strange week. No class on Monday due to facility wide lock down for some kind of electrical repair. Wednesday we had been in class about 20 minutes when they came and got us for another facility wide lock down to check the generator.
When this happens I feel deflated. All that prep, then nothing. The guys were down too, from being locked up in their cells all week.
Friday I went out for yoga. The day was perfectly beautiful, the desert blooming with wild flowers, the air moist and windy like the sea shore.
I walked in with my Bhavana Vandana a book of buddhist meditations and prayers, and a branch of white sage I had picked in the jail parking lot to use as a talking stick.
One inmate, John has taken responsibility for this project, managing the sign up sheet.
He had procured a good big broom and sweep the dust out the yard, and was waiting for me.
Jesus a guy with "bitches ain't shit" tatooed on the back of his shaved head, and words tatooed into his eye brows greeted me with "Hey Homie" and a complicated hand shake ending with a "tap".
Everyone was interested in the sage. Is it weed? they asked. Can we smoke it?
Janathan a native guy said, "you boil that and it will make your stomach better." Everyone smelled it. People broke of a few leaves crushed them and smelled the sweet clean smell of the earth. Many people recognized it a a purifying herb.
In the pod there is plenty of day light, windows two stories tall lit by the sky, but that's all you can see from in there: a rectangle of sky divided by wire mesh. You can't see the sun rise or set, you can't see smell or touch land, earth, tree or animal. Some people stay in there for as long as two years.
So the sage was a welcome visitor from the earth.
I stood outside in the sun, my back against the wall, waiting for the 30 men to assemble.
We don't have yoga mats yet, so we're using gray jail issue blankets, sheets or orange shirts.
The temperature was perfect, but its only May. I said "Its nice out here now, but in summer its gonna be so hot we'll have to do this at 7 am." They smiled and said "that will be nice."
We began some standing breathing exercises and then a series of forward bends.
A forward bend in jail is a charged situation and some crude jokes and laughing started.
I stood very still, and calm in my mountain pose and looked at the youngsters (19 -20 year olds ) who were making most of the noise.
Steve, who is in my writing group, looked at me, with a face like a 10 year old. "What?" he said.
I said "I'm waiting for you to focus."
"Oh" he said and he and his buddies got quiet.
A new kid standing next to me kept asking questions. I asked him to be quiet and just listen, but he kept it up. After a about 5 minutes of this I stopped and turned to him and said in a calm voice. "I want you to stop talking. There is no talking during yoga class." " He stormed off in a huff and said "I can learn if I can't ask questions."
Now 29 men were were present and ready to practice yoga. They did great, had fun, tried everything. Got into a pretty good flow with a series of sun salutations.
After the asana practice I lead them into a meditation and ended that with this reading from Bhavana Vandana
The Protection of Loving Kindness
May those with no feet receive my love;
May those with two feet receive my love;
May those with four feet receive my love;
May those with Many feel receive my love;
May those with no feet not hurt me;
May those with two feet not hurt me;
May those with four feet not hurt me;
May those with Many feel not hurt me;
May all beings, all those with life;
All who have become, all in their entirety;
May all see what is good;
May suffering not come to anyone.
Then Shane and Jonathan, two Dine men, got up and went to the big plastic lounge chair they use as a drum and sang blessing songs for us. Their demeanor was so dignified, and humble, the sacredness of their offering so complete, that everyone simply deepened in their stillness. And for a few luminous minutes we were quiet in the fragrance of sage, the warmth of the sun, the companionship of each other.
As the men returned to their cells after class a few asked me for copies of the reading on loving kindness, and the kid who had stormed out said " I'm sorry if I was disrespectful, miss. I'll do better next time.""
When this happens I feel deflated. All that prep, then nothing. The guys were down too, from being locked up in their cells all week.
Friday I went out for yoga. The day was perfectly beautiful, the desert blooming with wild flowers, the air moist and windy like the sea shore.
I walked in with my Bhavana Vandana a book of buddhist meditations and prayers, and a branch of white sage I had picked in the jail parking lot to use as a talking stick.
One inmate, John has taken responsibility for this project, managing the sign up sheet.
He had procured a good big broom and sweep the dust out the yard, and was waiting for me.
Jesus a guy with "bitches ain't shit" tatooed on the back of his shaved head, and words tatooed into his eye brows greeted me with "Hey Homie" and a complicated hand shake ending with a "tap".
Everyone was interested in the sage. Is it weed? they asked. Can we smoke it?
Janathan a native guy said, "you boil that and it will make your stomach better." Everyone smelled it. People broke of a few leaves crushed them and smelled the sweet clean smell of the earth. Many people recognized it a a purifying herb.
In the pod there is plenty of day light, windows two stories tall lit by the sky, but that's all you can see from in there: a rectangle of sky divided by wire mesh. You can't see the sun rise or set, you can't see smell or touch land, earth, tree or animal. Some people stay in there for as long as two years.
So the sage was a welcome visitor from the earth.
I stood outside in the sun, my back against the wall, waiting for the 30 men to assemble.
We don't have yoga mats yet, so we're using gray jail issue blankets, sheets or orange shirts.
The temperature was perfect, but its only May. I said "Its nice out here now, but in summer its gonna be so hot we'll have to do this at 7 am." They smiled and said "that will be nice."
We began some standing breathing exercises and then a series of forward bends.
A forward bend in jail is a charged situation and some crude jokes and laughing started.
I stood very still, and calm in my mountain pose and looked at the youngsters (19 -20 year olds ) who were making most of the noise.
Steve, who is in my writing group, looked at me, with a face like a 10 year old. "What?" he said.
I said "I'm waiting for you to focus."
"Oh" he said and he and his buddies got quiet.
A new kid standing next to me kept asking questions. I asked him to be quiet and just listen, but he kept it up. After a about 5 minutes of this I stopped and turned to him and said in a calm voice. "I want you to stop talking. There is no talking during yoga class." " He stormed off in a huff and said "I can learn if I can't ask questions."
Now 29 men were were present and ready to practice yoga. They did great, had fun, tried everything. Got into a pretty good flow with a series of sun salutations.
After the asana practice I lead them into a meditation and ended that with this reading from Bhavana Vandana
The Protection of Loving Kindness
May those with no feet receive my love;
May those with two feet receive my love;
May those with four feet receive my love;
May those with Many feel receive my love;
May those with no feet not hurt me;
May those with two feet not hurt me;
May those with four feet not hurt me;
May those with Many feel not hurt me;
May all beings, all those with life;
All who have become, all in their entirety;
May all see what is good;
May suffering not come to anyone.
Then Shane and Jonathan, two Dine men, got up and went to the big plastic lounge chair they use as a drum and sang blessing songs for us. Their demeanor was so dignified, and humble, the sacredness of their offering so complete, that everyone simply deepened in their stillness. And for a few luminous minutes we were quiet in the fragrance of sage, the warmth of the sun, the companionship of each other.
As the men returned to their cells after class a few asked me for copies of the reading on loving kindness, and the kid who had stormed out said " I'm sorry if I was disrespectful, miss. I'll do better next time.""
Thursday, May 6, 2010
This long and hurtful year has saved my life
The context: Writing class on Wensday May 5, 2010 opened with a reading and discussion of This passage from The Bhagavad Gita Chapter two verse 30:
"Arjuna; now listen to the principles of yoga. By practicing these you can break the bonds of karma. On this path effort never goes to waste, and there is no failure. Even a little effort toward spiritual awareness will protect you from the greatest fear."
During this discussion I added this quote to the mix:
"When the suffering is great, the Buddha appears."
We wrote about this and one man wrote this:
"When the Suffering is Great The Buddha Appears
When I was in the outside world I was doing a lot of bad things like kicking in doors. Once I threw someone off my second story balcony for disrespecting my ex-wife and my house. There were so many little things that had been building up over the past few years, and now I am sitting in jail for something that was not my fault, and I had to admit to breaking the law and have another felony conviction.(taking a plea)
Now that I have lost everything that made up my world I finally realized that a lot worse things could have happened to me, like killing someone, or having someone recognize me, and kill me in front of my loved ones.
Now that I am at the end of my time here at MDC, I realize that this long hurtful year has saved my life, and given me a new start, which I intend to take full advantage of.
I hope that all my bad karma has been repaid because I don't want a life behind bars, and now I have the tools to keep that old life behind me."
"Arjuna; now listen to the principles of yoga. By practicing these you can break the bonds of karma. On this path effort never goes to waste, and there is no failure. Even a little effort toward spiritual awareness will protect you from the greatest fear."
During this discussion I added this quote to the mix:
"When the suffering is great, the Buddha appears."
We wrote about this and one man wrote this:
"When the Suffering is Great The Buddha Appears
When I was in the outside world I was doing a lot of bad things like kicking in doors. Once I threw someone off my second story balcony for disrespecting my ex-wife and my house. There were so many little things that had been building up over the past few years, and now I am sitting in jail for something that was not my fault, and I had to admit to breaking the law and have another felony conviction.(taking a plea)
Now that I have lost everything that made up my world I finally realized that a lot worse things could have happened to me, like killing someone, or having someone recognize me, and kill me in front of my loved ones.
Now that I am at the end of my time here at MDC, I realize that this long hurtful year has saved my life, and given me a new start, which I intend to take full advantage of.
I hope that all my bad karma has been repaid because I don't want a life behind bars, and now I have the tools to keep that old life behind me."
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
At this age I especially love
In Writing Group we read a beautiful poem by Robert Bly ( see below) discussed it explored it, and then inspired by the lines
At This Age I especially love.... Wrote our own words.
I'll be posting their writing the Comienzos Web site.
Here's' what I wrote:
At this age I especially love
The way my daughter tells me her life over a boring bowl of broccolli.
The cold feet of my cat walking over my sleeping body
A good strong cup of coffee, sweet, with cream.
Sitting in a circle with "my men" hearing their wonderful lives.
The vastness of the ever changing sky
Singing with my friends
Fire light
Deep soul journeys with people I love and trust
Laughing till my stomach hurts, then some
Water colors, jewel colors, flower colors, sky colors, the colors of our skins
Drums beats quieting my restless mind into a wordless pulse
Knowing I am not alone but seen, heard and accompanied on this perilous and wondrous journey
Knowing for sure I can help
I HAVE DAUGHTERS AND I HAVE SONS by Robert Bly
1
Who is out there at six a.m.? The man
Throwing newspapers onto the porch,
And the roaming souls suddenly
Drawn down into their sleeping bodies.
2
Wild words of Jacob Boehme
Go on praising the human body,
But heavy words of the ascetics
Sway in the fall gales.
3
Do I have a right to my poems?
To my jokes? To my loves?
Oh foolish man, knowing nothing-
Less than nothing-about desire.
4
I have daughters and I have sons.
When one of them lays a hand
On my shoulder, shining fish
Turn suddenly in the deep sea.
5
At this age, I especially love dawn
On the sea, stars above the trees,
Pages in The Threefold Life,
And the pale faces of baby mice.
6
Our good life is made of struts
And paper, like those early
Wright Brothers planes. Neighbors
Run along holding the wing-tips.
7
I do love Yeats's decisiveness
As he jumps into a poem,
And that lovely calm in my father's
Hands, as he buttoned his coat.
At This Age I especially love.... Wrote our own words.
I'll be posting their writing the Comienzos Web site.
Here's' what I wrote:
At this age I especially love
The way my daughter tells me her life over a boring bowl of broccolli.
The cold feet of my cat walking over my sleeping body
A good strong cup of coffee, sweet, with cream.
Sitting in a circle with "my men" hearing their wonderful lives.
The vastness of the ever changing sky
Singing with my friends
Fire light
Deep soul journeys with people I love and trust
Laughing till my stomach hurts, then some
Water colors, jewel colors, flower colors, sky colors, the colors of our skins
Drums beats quieting my restless mind into a wordless pulse
Knowing I am not alone but seen, heard and accompanied on this perilous and wondrous journey
Knowing for sure I can help
I HAVE DAUGHTERS AND I HAVE SONS by Robert Bly
1
Who is out there at six a.m.? The man
Throwing newspapers onto the porch,
And the roaming souls suddenly
Drawn down into their sleeping bodies.
2
Wild words of Jacob Boehme
Go on praising the human body,
But heavy words of the ascetics
Sway in the fall gales.
3
Do I have a right to my poems?
To my jokes? To my loves?
Oh foolish man, knowing nothing-
Less than nothing-about desire.
4
I have daughters and I have sons.
When one of them lays a hand
On my shoulder, shining fish
Turn suddenly in the deep sea.
5
At this age, I especially love dawn
On the sea, stars above the trees,
Pages in The Threefold Life,
And the pale faces of baby mice.
6
Our good life is made of struts
And paper, like those early
Wright Brothers planes. Neighbors
Run along holding the wing-tips.
7
I do love Yeats's decisiveness
As he jumps into a poem,
And that lovely calm in my father's
Hands, as he buttoned his coat.
no mocking
Last Friday we tried something new in F-8. An outdoor yoga and meditation class for 30 people. My regular guys were skeptical about allowing more people to participate. They Said " They'll mock the yoga, Miss Tejal. They'll just mess around the whole time." Somehow the word got around that this was to be respected, and entered into with seriousness, because this is the way the men wanted it.
Thursday we had 50-60 miles an hours winds and cold, and Friday started off blustery, snow showers, and generally psychotic New Mexico spring weather. Standing out in the reck yard at 2:10, waiting for my guys, the sun broke through and made a twisty grid pattern through the wire mesh.
The men stood, chilly in their cotton orange jail uniforms, and I asked them to spread out and find a spot of sun, make sure they had enough room to swing their arms around
without hitting any one. There was a quiet expectancy, and little bit of nervous laughter.
We did about 45 minutes of postures, and fell into the peaceful entrainment that inevitably comes from practicing yoga together, each man in his own square of sun light and brilliant blue sky.
We sat in meditation for 10 minutes, then one young man sang a beautiful song, a sweet ballad for his girl.
Then we passed a candy wrapper for a talking stick. I heard men praying for the safety and well being of their families, and may they lack nothing.
I heard men saying "Thank you for taking your time to be with us." I heard men saying "I was was stressed and gloomy before, now I see things in perspective."
I said "I have been doing yoga for 30 years, and wherever I go in the world it feels like this: People feeling right with each other."
I heard no mocking.
Thursday we had 50-60 miles an hours winds and cold, and Friday started off blustery, snow showers, and generally psychotic New Mexico spring weather. Standing out in the reck yard at 2:10, waiting for my guys, the sun broke through and made a twisty grid pattern through the wire mesh.
The men stood, chilly in their cotton orange jail uniforms, and I asked them to spread out and find a spot of sun, make sure they had enough room to swing their arms around
without hitting any one. There was a quiet expectancy, and little bit of nervous laughter.
We did about 45 minutes of postures, and fell into the peaceful entrainment that inevitably comes from practicing yoga together, each man in his own square of sun light and brilliant blue sky.
We sat in meditation for 10 minutes, then one young man sang a beautiful song, a sweet ballad for his girl.
Then we passed a candy wrapper for a talking stick. I heard men praying for the safety and well being of their families, and may they lack nothing.
I heard men saying "Thank you for taking your time to be with us." I heard men saying "I was was stressed and gloomy before, now I see things in perspective."
I said "I have been doing yoga for 30 years, and wherever I go in the world it feels like this: People feeling right with each other."
I heard no mocking.
Monday, March 29, 2010
sally port
The other day I was waiting in the sally port with my students, 15 or 16 guys. "Suspect" goes "Your fuckin tag is showing, homes!" And tucks in the tag to my shirt.
A few months earlier a CO (guard) accompanied us into the sally port. This has never happened before. I've gone through the sally port with inmates and without escort hundreds of times. There's quite a bit of muttering about this.
"Why's the Co with us?'
"There's a new rule, women have to be escorted in the sally port"
"Aww we would never hurt Tejal!"
"No way!" "She's our teacher, man"
"Besides if we tried, She'd kick our ass!"
That was the first and last time I've been escorted in the sally port.
My very first time in the sally port, a glass and metal space about the size of a freight elevator and always about 85 degrees, the fellow who was training me left me alone in there with 12 guys in orange. I was nervous, my first day on the job.
One guy said "hey how many of you guys are in here for violent crimes?" They ALL raised their hands. I was scared, but kept my feet on the ground and kept eye contact with the guys right next to me. I saw the twinkle in his eyes, and realized, that although they may indeed be there for violent crime, they were just messing with me.
We did the 90 minute class, and I got to teach in this setting for the first time. The sincerity, humility, heart, and wisdom the men shared blew me away. During the check out I heard " Thank you Miss Tejal for seeing us for who we really are.' "Thank you miss, for treating us with respect." " Thank you, miss for seeing past the orange."
A few months earlier a CO (guard) accompanied us into the sally port. This has never happened before. I've gone through the sally port with inmates and without escort hundreds of times. There's quite a bit of muttering about this.
"Why's the Co with us?'
"There's a new rule, women have to be escorted in the sally port"
"Aww we would never hurt Tejal!"
"No way!" "She's our teacher, man"
"Besides if we tried, She'd kick our ass!"
That was the first and last time I've been escorted in the sally port.
My very first time in the sally port, a glass and metal space about the size of a freight elevator and always about 85 degrees, the fellow who was training me left me alone in there with 12 guys in orange. I was nervous, my first day on the job.
One guy said "hey how many of you guys are in here for violent crimes?" They ALL raised their hands. I was scared, but kept my feet on the ground and kept eye contact with the guys right next to me. I saw the twinkle in his eyes, and realized, that although they may indeed be there for violent crime, they were just messing with me.
We did the 90 minute class, and I got to teach in this setting for the first time. The sincerity, humility, heart, and wisdom the men shared blew me away. During the check out I heard " Thank you Miss Tejal for seeing us for who we really are.' "Thank you miss, for treating us with respect." " Thank you, miss for seeing past the orange."
Friday, March 12, 2010
How can I create a helping relationship? Carl Rogers
In his book On Becoming A Person Carl Rogers asks himself
“ How can I create a helping relationship?
These are some of the questions he asks:
1. Can I be in some way, which will be perceived by the other as trustworthy, as dependable or consistent in some deep sense?
2. Can I let myself experience positive attitudes toward this person - attitudes of warmth, caring, liking, interest, respect?
3. Can I be strong enough as a person to be separate from the other?
4. Can I be a sturdy respecter of my own feelings, my own needs, as well as his?
5. Am I strong enough in my own separateness that I will not be downcast by his depression, frightened by his fear, nor engulfed by his dependency?
6. Is my inner self hardy enough to realize I am not destroyed by his anger, nor enslaved by his love, but that I exist separate from him with feelings and rights of my own?
7. Can I permit him to be what he is – honest or deceitful, infantile or adult, despairing or over-confident?
8. Can I give him freedom just to be, without feeling that he should follow my advice, nor remain somewhat dependent on me, nor mold himself after me?
9. Can I step into his world so completely that I lose all desire to evaluate or judge it?
10. Can I meet this other individual as a person who is in the process of becoming, or will I be bound by his past as well as my past?
These questions and attitudes are the foundation upon which I walk into my work in the jail, and the churches and yoga centers where I also teach. This attitude provides me with a clear open space in which real connection and healing can happen.
I shared this list of questions with my class recently, we discussed each question, then I asked them which ones were the most important to them.
Felipe who is a charming fellow with a major meth problem said "1. Can I be in some way, which will be perceived by the other as trustworthy, as dependable or consistent in some deep sense?" He said "My family has had it with me. It will take a long time for me to rebuild their trust."
Several men chose "10.Can I meet this other individual as a person who is in the process of becoming, or will I be bound by his past as well as my past?" "We need to let go of the past'" they said.
And several more chose "6.Is my inner self hardy enough to realize I am not destroyed by his(her) anger, nor enslaved by his(her) love, but that I exist separate from him(her) with feelings and rights of my own?"
I was surprised because they were so quiet during this discussion that I wasn't sure any one was getting much out of it. But it turns out that question # 6 was deeply relevant. The need to live and let live is so important, especially when things get intense.
“ How can I create a helping relationship?
These are some of the questions he asks:
1. Can I be in some way, which will be perceived by the other as trustworthy, as dependable or consistent in some deep sense?
2. Can I let myself experience positive attitudes toward this person - attitudes of warmth, caring, liking, interest, respect?
3. Can I be strong enough as a person to be separate from the other?
4. Can I be a sturdy respecter of my own feelings, my own needs, as well as his?
5. Am I strong enough in my own separateness that I will not be downcast by his depression, frightened by his fear, nor engulfed by his dependency?
6. Is my inner self hardy enough to realize I am not destroyed by his anger, nor enslaved by his love, but that I exist separate from him with feelings and rights of my own?
7. Can I permit him to be what he is – honest or deceitful, infantile or adult, despairing or over-confident?
8. Can I give him freedom just to be, without feeling that he should follow my advice, nor remain somewhat dependent on me, nor mold himself after me?
9. Can I step into his world so completely that I lose all desire to evaluate or judge it?
10. Can I meet this other individual as a person who is in the process of becoming, or will I be bound by his past as well as my past?
These questions and attitudes are the foundation upon which I walk into my work in the jail, and the churches and yoga centers where I also teach. This attitude provides me with a clear open space in which real connection and healing can happen.
I shared this list of questions with my class recently, we discussed each question, then I asked them which ones were the most important to them.
Felipe who is a charming fellow with a major meth problem said "1. Can I be in some way, which will be perceived by the other as trustworthy, as dependable or consistent in some deep sense?" He said "My family has had it with me. It will take a long time for me to rebuild their trust."
Several men chose "10.Can I meet this other individual as a person who is in the process of becoming, or will I be bound by his past as well as my past?" "We need to let go of the past'" they said.
And several more chose "6.Is my inner self hardy enough to realize I am not destroyed by his(her) anger, nor enslaved by his(her) love, but that I exist separate from him(her) with feelings and rights of my own?"
I was surprised because they were so quiet during this discussion that I wasn't sure any one was getting much out of it. But it turns out that question # 6 was deeply relevant. The need to live and let live is so important, especially when things get intense.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
how felons would rule the world
Monday I showed the movie 2012 to eighteen men held in the highest felony classification at MDC. Wednesday we talked about the film. I asked them
"If you were on one of those arcs, and landed in a new world: how would you run it?
They said:
1. We would organize people right way to raise stock and get agriculture going.
2. Everyone would receive land to cultivate.
3. We would set up communication systems and technology to keep everyone connected right away.
4. All leaders would be volunteers, not paid in order to eliminate corruption.
5. We would govern ourselves by counsels like Native Americans. Everyone has a voice.
6. There would be no money, but a barter system.
7. Child molesters, rapists, and malicious murderers would be tried by a counsel of their peers and swiftly put to death if found guilty.
8. Herbs such as marijuana and poppy would be respected for their and recreational medical value and be legal.
9. Diversity and unity wold be developed through education.
"If you were on one of those arcs, and landed in a new world: how would you run it?
They said:
1. We would organize people right way to raise stock and get agriculture going.
2. Everyone would receive land to cultivate.
3. We would set up communication systems and technology to keep everyone connected right away.
4. All leaders would be volunteers, not paid in order to eliminate corruption.
5. We would govern ourselves by counsels like Native Americans. Everyone has a voice.
6. There would be no money, but a barter system.
7. Child molesters, rapists, and malicious murderers would be tried by a counsel of their peers and swiftly put to death if found guilty.
8. Herbs such as marijuana and poppy would be respected for their and recreational medical value and be legal.
9. Diversity and unity wold be developed through education.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
a fierce and joyful sound
Sheets of rain swept across the desert as I drove out to the volcanoes Monday. Clouds sailed across the sky drenching parts of the road, city neighborhoods, Kirtland Air Force Base, and acres of desert. A small mountain in the distance glowed white and blue under the clouds, melodramatic rays of sunlight blessing its stony flanks. Driving in the desert is a lot like sailing on the sea. You can see whole weather formations build and resolve. We don't really have rainy days, but watch distinct rain clouds on the move. In summer its so hot that rain sometimes burns up and evaporates before it ever hits the ground.
As I travel across this landscape on my way to the jail, I am deeply grateful, aware that my students never get to see this heavenly drama; only a small rectangle of sky through metal mesh in the ceiling of the reck yard.
Last week we had an early warm spell, hinting of spring. I heard a racket of men shouting when I got to the parking lot, figured they were enjoyed some rowdy games of hand ball on this mild day.
I made my way to my pod through the maze of security, sally ports and endless hall ways stinking of wax and ammonia. Most of my guys were indeed outside. Maybe thirty bare chested men were playing hand ball in the reck yard. Four Native Americans back in the corner were using a plastic lounge chair as a drum, singing their hearts out, making an enormous, fierce and joyful sound.
As I travel across this landscape on my way to the jail, I am deeply grateful, aware that my students never get to see this heavenly drama; only a small rectangle of sky through metal mesh in the ceiling of the reck yard.
Last week we had an early warm spell, hinting of spring. I heard a racket of men shouting when I got to the parking lot, figured they were enjoyed some rowdy games of hand ball on this mild day.
I made my way to my pod through the maze of security, sally ports and endless hall ways stinking of wax and ammonia. Most of my guys were indeed outside. Maybe thirty bare chested men were playing hand ball in the reck yard. Four Native Americans back in the corner were using a plastic lounge chair as a drum, singing their hearts out, making an enormous, fierce and joyful sound.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Radiance
In my writing class we talk about a topic, write about it, and then read what we've written. I wrote this in class on 2/23/2010.
Shame, depression, anxiety, hurt, anger, failure, disappointment, fatigue, loneliness, jealousy, not belonging, sadness, grief- all experiences I've had. They feel heavy, drag me down, make me want to curl up under the covers and hide. Make me want to give up, cuss somebody out, scream, cry. This is one side of my human experience.
On the other side there is the simple pleasure of cutting up vegetables to make a nice meal for my friends and family. On this side I walk into work and feel good about it.
I love, sing, make things beautiful, feel smart and capable. I bounce back, go for a walk and feel the land's intelligence, the benediction of the sky.
I walk a tight rope between these two sides. I use my skills to stay on the bright side as much as possible.
Beyond these two sides is an awareness that sees it all, smiling serenely. An instant of this awareness shifts me from a worried, depressed lump to a radiant being, who is able to see your radiance too.
Shame, depression, anxiety, hurt, anger, failure, disappointment, fatigue, loneliness, jealousy, not belonging, sadness, grief- all experiences I've had. They feel heavy, drag me down, make me want to curl up under the covers and hide. Make me want to give up, cuss somebody out, scream, cry. This is one side of my human experience.
On the other side there is the simple pleasure of cutting up vegetables to make a nice meal for my friends and family. On this side I walk into work and feel good about it.
I love, sing, make things beautiful, feel smart and capable. I bounce back, go for a walk and feel the land's intelligence, the benediction of the sky.
I walk a tight rope between these two sides. I use my skills to stay on the bright side as much as possible.
Beyond these two sides is an awareness that sees it all, smiling serenely. An instant of this awareness shifts me from a worried, depressed lump to a radiant being, who is able to see your radiance too.
If you smile I will shoot you
Wednesday I saw a big group of guys in orange sitting in the huge mirror polished hallway guarded by 6 or 8 armed security guards, six more security guys in midnight blue, backs as wide as doors, were sitting a table in the pod. No sign of inmates; turns out they were the ones sitting in the hall. The sargeant told me they were doing a shake down because two guys OD'd on heroin in my pod. They were going to empty each cell, tear apart every mattress, search with narcotic dogs, then strip and cavity search the 78 men who live in that pod.
As I left, two big gorgeous narc dogs, held in tight by their armed masters, sniffed me, and wagged their tails.
I came back Monday and walked in the Pod to cheers: COMIENZOS! They yelled, grinning and pumping fists. I took names for my waiting list (17) and gathered my 14 students.
We got into the class room, and got caught up on who had gone to seg, who had gone home, and who had gone to prison. I asked them how they were about the OD's and the Shake down and they said just another day at MDC, no big deal. We missed class though, they said.
A couple guys gave book reports: one on Cider House Rules by John Irving, I wrote the themes he talked about on the board: orphanage, abortion, foster care, Rules other people make up for you.
Jonathan is reading the Bhagavad Gita. He said he had gotten to page 70 and he was really loving it. He said he kept reading it over and over.
"What's in that book is the way you teach this class" he said. "I'm glad you got that!" I said and read
"The Self cannot be pierced with weapons nor burned with fire;
water cannot wet it, nor can the wind dry it.
The Self cannot be pierced or burned, made wet or dry.
It is everlasting and infinite,
standing on the motionless foundation of eternity."
We talked about this a bit, then I gave them 15 minutes to write in response to these themes.
Alonzo wrote about going to boarding school age five, learning to fight for his life there.
Ray talked about the horrible foster homes he's been in.
Anthony told about growing up in an orphanage because his alcoholic Mom had given him up, going from there to many foster homes, and from there to living in garages. His auntie called him when his Mom was dying. He flew three hours only to arrive moments after she had passed. When he saw her cold and lifeless body he yelled "Oh no you don't you bitch! wake up! you wake up! I just flew three hours to get here!" And she did! She opened here eyes and smiled at him, then left for good.
The class decided they wanted to study more of the Gita so we're adding this to our regular routine.
Next came the Communication class. Asked them about the shake down: Not that big a deal, we missed class, they said.
We were working on how to respond to a difficult message, an exercise that helps to shift out of blame and helps to respond with empathy.
I asked them for examples of messages they have received that were difficult to hear.
They were:
Alonzo's public defender:
"Even though you have been detained here without trail since May of 2009, I am not going to open your case until March of 2010." ( this time span means he will lose his parental rights.)
Felipe's Family:
"We hate it when you are drinking and using meth. It makes you a different person."
The security guards talking to Jamie while they were sitting in the hall handcuffed during the shake down:
"If you smile I will shoot you." ( with pepper spray )
The security guards to Richard shoots the wall over his head and says:
"If you laugh again I will shoot you."
His self empathy response: "ummm I'm helpless here"
His empathy for the guard: "Since you are showing these young recruits how its done, you must need to demonstrate total control over the situation."
It was a good class. We noticed how much everyone calmed down and got clear minded when we went to empathy; reflected on how you can't necessarily change the other person's behavior, but you have less stress yourself when you focus on empathy.
As I left, two big gorgeous narc dogs, held in tight by their armed masters, sniffed me, and wagged their tails.
I came back Monday and walked in the Pod to cheers: COMIENZOS! They yelled, grinning and pumping fists. I took names for my waiting list (17) and gathered my 14 students.
We got into the class room, and got caught up on who had gone to seg, who had gone home, and who had gone to prison. I asked them how they were about the OD's and the Shake down and they said just another day at MDC, no big deal. We missed class though, they said.
A couple guys gave book reports: one on Cider House Rules by John Irving, I wrote the themes he talked about on the board: orphanage, abortion, foster care, Rules other people make up for you.
Jonathan is reading the Bhagavad Gita. He said he had gotten to page 70 and he was really loving it. He said he kept reading it over and over.
"What's in that book is the way you teach this class" he said. "I'm glad you got that!" I said and read
"The Self cannot be pierced with weapons nor burned with fire;
water cannot wet it, nor can the wind dry it.
The Self cannot be pierced or burned, made wet or dry.
It is everlasting and infinite,
standing on the motionless foundation of eternity."
We talked about this a bit, then I gave them 15 minutes to write in response to these themes.
Alonzo wrote about going to boarding school age five, learning to fight for his life there.
Ray talked about the horrible foster homes he's been in.
Anthony told about growing up in an orphanage because his alcoholic Mom had given him up, going from there to many foster homes, and from there to living in garages. His auntie called him when his Mom was dying. He flew three hours only to arrive moments after she had passed. When he saw her cold and lifeless body he yelled "Oh no you don't you bitch! wake up! you wake up! I just flew three hours to get here!" And she did! She opened here eyes and smiled at him, then left for good.
The class decided they wanted to study more of the Gita so we're adding this to our regular routine.
Next came the Communication class. Asked them about the shake down: Not that big a deal, we missed class, they said.
We were working on how to respond to a difficult message, an exercise that helps to shift out of blame and helps to respond with empathy.
I asked them for examples of messages they have received that were difficult to hear.
They were:
Alonzo's public defender:
"Even though you have been detained here without trail since May of 2009, I am not going to open your case until March of 2010." ( this time span means he will lose his parental rights.)
Felipe's Family:
"We hate it when you are drinking and using meth. It makes you a different person."
The security guards talking to Jamie while they were sitting in the hall handcuffed during the shake down:
"If you smile I will shoot you." ( with pepper spray )
The security guards to Richard shoots the wall over his head and says:
"If you laugh again I will shoot you."
His self empathy response: "ummm I'm helpless here"
His empathy for the guard: "Since you are showing these young recruits how its done, you must need to demonstrate total control over the situation."
It was a good class. We noticed how much everyone calmed down and got clear minded when we went to empathy; reflected on how you can't necessarily change the other person's behavior, but you have less stress yourself when you focus on empathy.
Friday, January 8, 2010
the gift
One of my students is a Navaho sand painter. He did painting demonstrations in a museum and has received commissions to do these paintings for people around the world. He has told us that these paintings represent a part of Navaho culture and language that he is trying to preserve and pass down.
This man has leukemia cancer, and his days are numbered.
I brought him a little sand painting kit from Wall Mart so he could demonstrate for the class. The guys were so moved, and I believe could sit and watch him paint and listen to him share about his tradition for hours and hours. That day he said "I only have months to live and I have a gift to give, I need to give this gift to you, and I will make all of you paintings." Now he spends all his class time at a little table paiting with sand.
His presence and his gift bless us.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
stereo types
Yesterday I spent a couple hours in the Pod where 90 guys live. They were in lock down
so I took the time to interview some of my new students. This interview process seems to be helpful in and of itself, and makes a big difference once we get into the class room. People feel seen and heard, and there is a sense of calm and connection for the start.
The guys enjoy telling their stories. Most say prison is better than jail because its more grown up, you can work and go to school, and you have some clarity about what's going on. You have been sentenced. Life has some shape, direction, purpose.
In jail there is very little progaming, and there is the long long wait for the legal process; a great deal of uncertainty and anxiety.
Most of the guys I talked to are mostly concerned with getting training to find work that pays a reasonable rate.
I did take one class of 18 to the class room. We did some breathing excercises to reduce stress. They liked this a lot and want more.
And we did a fun activity on diversity: Putting the factors that define who we are on the board: age, race, gender, education, legal status, health, education etc.
Then breaking up into groups and answering two questions:
Just because I'm______, don't assume___________about me.
And What I do want you to know about me is _____________.
One native guy who's nickname is "suspect" said " just because I'm native don't assume I'm a nice guy. and I am a nice guy."
When we were dividing the group up by race I asked him to go sit with the other native guys. He goes " First you steal my land , then you tell me where to sit?" We had a good laugh.
There was a lot of laughter in this class. Once we named the factors that we use to stereo type and could talk about this, there was a sense of relief and fun.
so I took the time to interview some of my new students. This interview process seems to be helpful in and of itself, and makes a big difference once we get into the class room. People feel seen and heard, and there is a sense of calm and connection for the start.
The guys enjoy telling their stories. Most say prison is better than jail because its more grown up, you can work and go to school, and you have some clarity about what's going on. You have been sentenced. Life has some shape, direction, purpose.
In jail there is very little progaming, and there is the long long wait for the legal process; a great deal of uncertainty and anxiety.
Most of the guys I talked to are mostly concerned with getting training to find work that pays a reasonable rate.
I did take one class of 18 to the class room. We did some breathing excercises to reduce stress. They liked this a lot and want more.
And we did a fun activity on diversity: Putting the factors that define who we are on the board: age, race, gender, education, legal status, health, education etc.
Then breaking up into groups and answering two questions:
Just because I'm______, don't assume___________about me.
And What I do want you to know about me is _____________.
One native guy who's nickname is "suspect" said " just because I'm native don't assume I'm a nice guy. and I am a nice guy."
When we were dividing the group up by race I asked him to go sit with the other native guys. He goes " First you steal my land , then you tell me where to sit?" We had a good laugh.
There was a lot of laughter in this class. Once we named the factors that we use to stereo type and could talk about this, there was a sense of relief and fun.
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