Saturday, January 26, 2013
Be good to yourself and fudge purple
Marc's first drawings were of syringes, skulls, and the message "God hates us all." A long term drug user he had so used up his veins that he was down to sticking the needle in his neck. In spite of all this Marc is funny, kind, and throws himself enthusiastically into every aspect of the Comienzos Program. About 2 months ago his heart stopped due to an overdose, and of having an second chance to live. Today he is clean and sober.
This is his Weeping Camel images and message.
Dear Marc,
You're not a junkie and you are only responsible for what you've done. It doesn't matter who says what, you're sober and you know whats what. And that bullshit your mother said when your dad died just shows how spiteful she was. Its not your fault they didn't know how to take care of you. Practice what you preach. You can't change the past and who cares if fate doesn't care about plans. Be good to yourself and fudge purple.
Friday, April 13, 2012
beautiful like a glacier
I facilitate a class called Therapeutic Writing. Its about articulating and processing what the students already know but may not know they know. Its an open and safe space for people to learn about themselves and from each other, and I participate, too-I write too.
Yesterday we started with a check in. Most of the 15 in this class were doing well. One man said he was accepting the consequences of his actions and was at peace. He is Muslim and he said that people misunderstand Jihad to mean blowing things up. He said for him it means the holy war of dealing with his own inner struggles and striving to be true to himself and his god. Another said that he was worried about how his cellie was going to do in court today. He said "I hope he keeps his faith with him.'
We wrote about the topic "my energy." One young fellow wrote that his energy was enormous, joyful and "beautiful like a glacier.' Another wrote that his energy was love, and that love is a decision you make, a way of life. One fellow said that energy is the adrenalin rush you get when being shot at or running from the cops. Another explored how gratitude and staying in the moment can convert negative energy into positive.
We ended with a gratitude round. Gratitude for living one more day, for children, for hot showers, for food, and not having a std, for having a bed to sleep in tonight, for higher power, for love, and for this class were all shared. The energy was sweet, funny and relaxed by then.
Yesterday we started with a check in. Most of the 15 in this class were doing well. One man said he was accepting the consequences of his actions and was at peace. He is Muslim and he said that people misunderstand Jihad to mean blowing things up. He said for him it means the holy war of dealing with his own inner struggles and striving to be true to himself and his god. Another said that he was worried about how his cellie was going to do in court today. He said "I hope he keeps his faith with him.'
We wrote about the topic "my energy." One young fellow wrote that his energy was enormous, joyful and "beautiful like a glacier.' Another wrote that his energy was love, and that love is a decision you make, a way of life. One fellow said that energy is the adrenalin rush you get when being shot at or running from the cops. Another explored how gratitude and staying in the moment can convert negative energy into positive.
We ended with a gratitude round. Gratitude for living one more day, for children, for hot showers, for food, and not having a std, for having a bed to sleep in tonight, for higher power, for love, and for this class were all shared. The energy was sweet, funny and relaxed by then.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
the things you do for yoga
Thursday April 5, 2012.
We carry 12 nice clean yoga mats from the classroom closet to the rec yard. The mats they've been keeping in the pod are kept in the janitor's closet and are filthy and had also gotten wet somehow.
A beautiful spring day, mid 70's. People gather for class while 8 or 10 guys work on "fitness" around and beside us. My students: two Native American transsexuals, a black man in his 20's, a slender white guy who is a yoga adept, a Native American bull-rider, a guy whose entire torso is covered in tatoos, a hand full of Hispanic guys. The guys milling about doing fitness: mostly bigger guys, who are walking, using a sheet tied to the door to do pull ups, lifting plastic chairs as weights, doing squats.
How to get this group focused?
We start doing simple standing breathing- raise arms all the way up on the inhale, lower to sides on exhale. 10 times. Gradually we work our way into a series of sun salutations.
Now we're in the zone. The tatooed guy goes: "This is for really bendy people, I'm not that bendy." The new trannie is moaning in extacy. Everyone else just settles in.
When we get to the floor postures a couple of the fitness guys walking up and down get into aloud discussion. Not arguing, just animated loud talk. I get their eyes and put my fingers to my lips. They nod, take the volume down.
The sun is deliciously warm after a snow storm earlier this week.
Savassana time for 5 or 6 minutes. Everyone lying on their backs, mostly shirts off.
The fitness guys flow away from us and quiet down.
After class the tatooed guy says" I'm sorry I couldn't do everything, miss." I say "Its ok, just do what you can." He goes " I'm kicking heroin." I go "Well, this will help speed up your detox." He looks brave, resolved to feel like hell for a few more days.
One young guy who has been doing yoga for a while volunteers to lead yoga three times a week.Great. He asks if he can keep the good mats. I hesitate cause if I leave them in there, they won't stay "good" for long, and getting new mats into the facility is a months long hassle. I look at his hopeful face and at the pile of disgusting mats they have and agree. Now I've got to search the psych unit for mats we may have left in a closet over there a couple years ago. Ahh the things you do for yoga.
We carry 12 nice clean yoga mats from the classroom closet to the rec yard. The mats they've been keeping in the pod are kept in the janitor's closet and are filthy and had also gotten wet somehow.
A beautiful spring day, mid 70's. People gather for class while 8 or 10 guys work on "fitness" around and beside us. My students: two Native American transsexuals, a black man in his 20's, a slender white guy who is a yoga adept, a Native American bull-rider, a guy whose entire torso is covered in tatoos, a hand full of Hispanic guys. The guys milling about doing fitness: mostly bigger guys, who are walking, using a sheet tied to the door to do pull ups, lifting plastic chairs as weights, doing squats.
How to get this group focused?
We start doing simple standing breathing- raise arms all the way up on the inhale, lower to sides on exhale. 10 times. Gradually we work our way into a series of sun salutations.
Now we're in the zone. The tatooed guy goes: "This is for really bendy people, I'm not that bendy." The new trannie is moaning in extacy. Everyone else just settles in.
When we get to the floor postures a couple of the fitness guys walking up and down get into aloud discussion. Not arguing, just animated loud talk. I get their eyes and put my fingers to my lips. They nod, take the volume down.
The sun is deliciously warm after a snow storm earlier this week.
Savassana time for 5 or 6 minutes. Everyone lying on their backs, mostly shirts off.
The fitness guys flow away from us and quiet down.
After class the tatooed guy says" I'm sorry I couldn't do everything, miss." I say "Its ok, just do what you can." He goes " I'm kicking heroin." I go "Well, this will help speed up your detox." He looks brave, resolved to feel like hell for a few more days.
One young guy who has been doing yoga for a while volunteers to lead yoga three times a week.Great. He asks if he can keep the good mats. I hesitate cause if I leave them in there, they won't stay "good" for long, and getting new mats into the facility is a months long hassle. I look at his hopeful face and at the pile of disgusting mats they have and agree. Now I've got to search the psych unit for mats we may have left in a closet over there a couple years ago. Ahh the things you do for yoga.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Races in the Pod
This is a paper I wrote for my Multicultural Art Therapy class at Southwestern College. The assignment was to talk with someone from a different culture than your own, and bring awareness to your own cultural biases as they come up.
Tejal Murray
May 18th, 2011
Multicultural Art Therapy
The People (Dine)
I spoke with two Native American men who are incarcerated at MDC about how they cope with racism in jail. They have been in my Writing Group for over a year and I feel blessed to have been able to get to know these very private people.
As a liberal white person I try to connect with all kinds of people and overcome my latent prejudices and fears. Working in the jail has given me a unique opportunity to develop close relationships with people I would never have encountered other wise: gang members, indigent people, and uneducated black men. As a therapeutic educator I enter the scene with unconditional positive regard for the individuals in my program. My students respond with gratitude, warmth and trust. Our interactions are mutually healing. The men I work with receive genuine caring and respect from me, and I receive trust, openness and respect from them, allowing me to heal my fears of violent men, and my prejudices against uneducated, brown criminals.
When I first went into F-8, the highest classification felony unit in the jail, it was chaos. If I looked away from my supply case for even an instant, men would simply reach in and steal my supplies. Eventually I asked Jonathan to guard the case, and he held it on his lap for weeks until the class settled down.
I soon realized that this quietly protective presence characterized how his ethnic group conducted their affairs in the pod. I interviewed Jonathan and his friend Alonzo, a young Navaho man about their experiences of being Native American in jail.
T: How's it been in here? You seem really stable and steady in this place.
A: That's the way it is, because these guys, the people here, they know we're not gonna do anything outrageous, we're not gonna steal from anybody. We don't do like these people, like I was saying, like the female nurses, we don't do any of that. We don't disrespect the CO's, we fly under the radar so they know that we're not going to do anything, so they leave us alone. And in return, we have the advantage of them always thinking of us as question marks. They don't know what's going to happen, because we don't talk to anyone.
T: So you keep to yourselves, among the Native people?
A: That's very important, 'cause if you put everything that is about you out there, then people can pick your weaknesses out. And when you're at your weakest point, they'll know. And that's something that - it's an unwritten rule that that's something that doesn't happen.
I've been vulnerable a few times, but the only times when I've been at that point were in class, when I felt comfortable about saying what I had to say without having it come back to the pod. The classes helped me a lot. I'm more patient now, I've always been patient, but now with disrespect I can talk it out. With the tools that I've got now, that I've learned, I can approach someone without being disrespectful in a blunt manner.
So yeah, there was a situation that had came up here the other day. Our Natives here, they have two tables, and this other race tried to come and sit at our table, and it kind of scared the Natives off, they actually left. And I went over there and saw what was going on, and it's like I said, you can't let anything like that happen. So I was there and I spoke to them, and one of my other Natives, he was actually playing very close attention. A racial thing was starting between the Blacks and the Natives again. Before the Natives got their chow, the Blacks just invited themselves to sit at our table.
So I told them, “you guys are sitting here and you're keeping my people from eating.
“ And they said, “Oh, we're sitting here.” And I said,” No, you're not.”
So I had to talk to the person who has the say-so for their people, and try to work something out. If not, if we can't talk this out, then, you know - start swinging. It's just the way it has to happen.
T: So you had to maintain your territory?
A: Yeah. If you give them an inch, they'll take a mile.
T: So the Natives have a representative, and the Blacks? And the Chicanos, the Mexicans, and the Whites?
A: No, the Whites are the only ones who don't. They just wander where ever they want to go. If one of their people gets beat up, they just leave him alone.
T: About how many Natives are in here?
A: There's about sixteen of us. Yeah, but at the same time you have to consider the older people as not being able to really go in and help you. They just sit back -
T: And you take care of them?
A: And they help us, and we help them, the majority of the time. But as far as the percentages, the majority are Chicanos and Mexicans.
T: Do you get along with them?
A: Yeah.
T: Is there more tension with the Blacks?
A: Yeah, there's always more tension sitting on the Blacks. They're loud, ignorant, and disrespectful, and they think that just because they're bigger than we are they can just take what they want. Which isn't true, because in reality, the whole pod is against them. They hold their ground, which is respectful. If you don't back down, that deserves some kind of respect.
T: So it sounds like a lot of the energy that gets used up in the pod is all about the balance of power, and group affiliation.
A: As far as the Natives, we just kick back and watch everybody kill themselves. And it's always, always over drugs. None of the people, none of the Native Americans, use drugs. These people, they fight over heroin, cocaine, crack, so that's their downfall. We just watch them. It's pretty entertaining, at times.
Interview with Jonathan Ray
T: Can you say any more about what happened here last week, about that guy that came in with the bad charges?
J: All I can say is, his charges had to deal with hurting his child. His child got hurt, and it was because of him - he bashed his child's head with a cup. It was a toddler, so. See, just like the judicial system, we have our own rules in here. They don't take that too kind, as far as hurting children, raping women; or people that are fags or gay. Stuff like that, child molesters, people like that, they don't tolerate in this pod. And it goes throughout the system. We have access to a TV, so we see it in the news. It's just like that everywhere, even when you go to into big prisons, they're going to ask you first thing, your own kind, no matter if you're Native or Spanish, your people will come and ask you for your paperwork. And your paperwork actually shows what you're in prison for. If it's wow, he's in here for child molestation, they're gonna get you.
T: Even your own people won't take you in?
J: Yeah. That's what we call, cleaning up your own back yard. So us Natives, there's not so many of us, so if we fail to do so, we will all get hurt. 'Cause the other races will come in and clear it out. It's very important for our safety, that if someone comes in with something like that, that it's not tolerated. This goes out through every other race. There's certain codes that we live by, no matter what.
T: Alonzo was telling me about how the Native guys all now have the bottom tier over on that side, and that you guys really stick together and sort of take care of each other.
J: Yeah, yeah. It's pretty much like, again, it's adapting to our surroundings. That's how being incarcerated is, it's always been that way. Between the blacks and whites, you know…
T: The races stick together?
J: They stick together. So for the Native we're like the bottom of the totem pole. I would say it's us, then the black people, then Mexicans, then the Chicanos, and then the whites.
T: Really?
J: It's pretty much, yeah. We're outnumbered you know. I think that's why we're so unified, so if something should happen we have our own area.
T: So you're never really all alone?
J: Yeah, you always have your people, yeah.
I admire Alonzo’s and Jonathan’s cool, protective savvy, and I am touched by their use of such terms as “my people, and my natives, and the people.” I admire their self respect, loyalty and deep identification as “the people.” This loyalty and mutual protection seems beautiful to me compared to the each man for him self attitude of the whites, my own race. But I wonder how I would feel if I heard white men referring to themselves as “the people” or “my people” with the implication that others may not really be “people?” Of course I would be horrified! I would like to be able to connect meaningfully with diverse cultures and still feel good about my own. I don’t believe in self hatred as a path to anything good. Perhaps it’s just that I think my race and culture needs to get some humility. My own race hunted and killed Native Americans like animals, so I am relieved when I see their humanity surviving the genocide we visited on them. I desire to contribute to healing the atrocities of the past, and even in some small way, to make amends.
When I heard about the child abuser getting beaten up I must admit I was not sorry. I have come to admire the laws of the inmates. I am glad that they don’t tolerate “bad charges” such as rape, child abuse or “malicious murder.” But then I am shocked when I hear that being gay goes in that same category of non tolerance.
In a system where inmates have so little control over anything they need to control something. Inmates have told me that things aren’t as they seem-the cops don’t control the pod, the inmates do. The codes of conduct are how they do it. The rule against gays in the pod may have to do with protection and survival. A gay man would not be safe in F-8, so in a sense is not allowed to stay for his own protection as well as for the protection of his group. Any racial group that admitted a gay man would be under attack from other groups. Gay men go to E-5 or into protective custody. (The gay culture in the women’s units is completely different- but that is for another paper)
I am amazed at how inmates manage racial tensions. I’ve heard that the mixing of races here in NM jails and prisons this is fairly unusual, that in other states races are separated to protect life. I appreciate how the different races group together (except the whites) and have representatives to handle disputes and make decisions in order to avert fights. I don’t know of many other situations in which the racial issue is so explicitly handled. as it is in this jail. My cultural conditioning about this as a white is to try to ignore it and hope it goes away. It’s refreshing and inspiring to be among people who are dealing with their own biases and alliances overtly, explicitly and in a way that will result in the least amount of violence.
Issues of survival and protection are foremost for incarcerated people. I’m sure that in their place I too would seek out my own kind for protection and safety. In my programs I
am doing whatever I can to help build bridges among the different groups. As Alonzo said many men use the Writing Group as a place to express their feelings and share vulnerabilities. When this happens in a multiracial classroom students begin to relate to each other with more compassion and acceptance as “brothers,” and racial divisions begin to fade. If I want to be able to connect with inmates and do so in a strong enough way to make a positive difference, its important for me to respect the survival issues they have to deal with all day every day. From that place I can begin to influence the field towards more tolerance and less violence.
Tejal Murray
May 18th, 2011
Multicultural Art Therapy
The People (Dine)
I spoke with two Native American men who are incarcerated at MDC about how they cope with racism in jail. They have been in my Writing Group for over a year and I feel blessed to have been able to get to know these very private people.
As a liberal white person I try to connect with all kinds of people and overcome my latent prejudices and fears. Working in the jail has given me a unique opportunity to develop close relationships with people I would never have encountered other wise: gang members, indigent people, and uneducated black men. As a therapeutic educator I enter the scene with unconditional positive regard for the individuals in my program. My students respond with gratitude, warmth and trust. Our interactions are mutually healing. The men I work with receive genuine caring and respect from me, and I receive trust, openness and respect from them, allowing me to heal my fears of violent men, and my prejudices against uneducated, brown criminals.
When I first went into F-8, the highest classification felony unit in the jail, it was chaos. If I looked away from my supply case for even an instant, men would simply reach in and steal my supplies. Eventually I asked Jonathan to guard the case, and he held it on his lap for weeks until the class settled down.
I soon realized that this quietly protective presence characterized how his ethnic group conducted their affairs in the pod. I interviewed Jonathan and his friend Alonzo, a young Navaho man about their experiences of being Native American in jail.
T: How's it been in here? You seem really stable and steady in this place.
A: That's the way it is, because these guys, the people here, they know we're not gonna do anything outrageous, we're not gonna steal from anybody. We don't do like these people, like I was saying, like the female nurses, we don't do any of that. We don't disrespect the CO's, we fly under the radar so they know that we're not going to do anything, so they leave us alone. And in return, we have the advantage of them always thinking of us as question marks. They don't know what's going to happen, because we don't talk to anyone.
T: So you keep to yourselves, among the Native people?
A: That's very important, 'cause if you put everything that is about you out there, then people can pick your weaknesses out. And when you're at your weakest point, they'll know. And that's something that - it's an unwritten rule that that's something that doesn't happen.
I've been vulnerable a few times, but the only times when I've been at that point were in class, when I felt comfortable about saying what I had to say without having it come back to the pod. The classes helped me a lot. I'm more patient now, I've always been patient, but now with disrespect I can talk it out. With the tools that I've got now, that I've learned, I can approach someone without being disrespectful in a blunt manner.
So yeah, there was a situation that had came up here the other day. Our Natives here, they have two tables, and this other race tried to come and sit at our table, and it kind of scared the Natives off, they actually left. And I went over there and saw what was going on, and it's like I said, you can't let anything like that happen. So I was there and I spoke to them, and one of my other Natives, he was actually playing very close attention. A racial thing was starting between the Blacks and the Natives again. Before the Natives got their chow, the Blacks just invited themselves to sit at our table.
So I told them, “you guys are sitting here and you're keeping my people from eating.
“ And they said, “Oh, we're sitting here.” And I said,” No, you're not.”
So I had to talk to the person who has the say-so for their people, and try to work something out. If not, if we can't talk this out, then, you know - start swinging. It's just the way it has to happen.
T: So you had to maintain your territory?
A: Yeah. If you give them an inch, they'll take a mile.
T: So the Natives have a representative, and the Blacks? And the Chicanos, the Mexicans, and the Whites?
A: No, the Whites are the only ones who don't. They just wander where ever they want to go. If one of their people gets beat up, they just leave him alone.
T: About how many Natives are in here?
A: There's about sixteen of us. Yeah, but at the same time you have to consider the older people as not being able to really go in and help you. They just sit back -
T: And you take care of them?
A: And they help us, and we help them, the majority of the time. But as far as the percentages, the majority are Chicanos and Mexicans.
T: Do you get along with them?
A: Yeah.
T: Is there more tension with the Blacks?
A: Yeah, there's always more tension sitting on the Blacks. They're loud, ignorant, and disrespectful, and they think that just because they're bigger than we are they can just take what they want. Which isn't true, because in reality, the whole pod is against them. They hold their ground, which is respectful. If you don't back down, that deserves some kind of respect.
T: So it sounds like a lot of the energy that gets used up in the pod is all about the balance of power, and group affiliation.
A: As far as the Natives, we just kick back and watch everybody kill themselves. And it's always, always over drugs. None of the people, none of the Native Americans, use drugs. These people, they fight over heroin, cocaine, crack, so that's their downfall. We just watch them. It's pretty entertaining, at times.
Interview with Jonathan Ray
T: Can you say any more about what happened here last week, about that guy that came in with the bad charges?
J: All I can say is, his charges had to deal with hurting his child. His child got hurt, and it was because of him - he bashed his child's head with a cup. It was a toddler, so. See, just like the judicial system, we have our own rules in here. They don't take that too kind, as far as hurting children, raping women; or people that are fags or gay. Stuff like that, child molesters, people like that, they don't tolerate in this pod. And it goes throughout the system. We have access to a TV, so we see it in the news. It's just like that everywhere, even when you go to into big prisons, they're going to ask you first thing, your own kind, no matter if you're Native or Spanish, your people will come and ask you for your paperwork. And your paperwork actually shows what you're in prison for. If it's wow, he's in here for child molestation, they're gonna get you.
T: Even your own people won't take you in?
J: Yeah. That's what we call, cleaning up your own back yard. So us Natives, there's not so many of us, so if we fail to do so, we will all get hurt. 'Cause the other races will come in and clear it out. It's very important for our safety, that if someone comes in with something like that, that it's not tolerated. This goes out through every other race. There's certain codes that we live by, no matter what.
T: Alonzo was telling me about how the Native guys all now have the bottom tier over on that side, and that you guys really stick together and sort of take care of each other.
J: Yeah, yeah. It's pretty much like, again, it's adapting to our surroundings. That's how being incarcerated is, it's always been that way. Between the blacks and whites, you know…
T: The races stick together?
J: They stick together. So for the Native we're like the bottom of the totem pole. I would say it's us, then the black people, then Mexicans, then the Chicanos, and then the whites.
T: Really?
J: It's pretty much, yeah. We're outnumbered you know. I think that's why we're so unified, so if something should happen we have our own area.
T: So you're never really all alone?
J: Yeah, you always have your people, yeah.
I admire Alonzo’s and Jonathan’s cool, protective savvy, and I am touched by their use of such terms as “my people, and my natives, and the people.” I admire their self respect, loyalty and deep identification as “the people.” This loyalty and mutual protection seems beautiful to me compared to the each man for him self attitude of the whites, my own race. But I wonder how I would feel if I heard white men referring to themselves as “the people” or “my people” with the implication that others may not really be “people?” Of course I would be horrified! I would like to be able to connect meaningfully with diverse cultures and still feel good about my own. I don’t believe in self hatred as a path to anything good. Perhaps it’s just that I think my race and culture needs to get some humility. My own race hunted and killed Native Americans like animals, so I am relieved when I see their humanity surviving the genocide we visited on them. I desire to contribute to healing the atrocities of the past, and even in some small way, to make amends.
When I heard about the child abuser getting beaten up I must admit I was not sorry. I have come to admire the laws of the inmates. I am glad that they don’t tolerate “bad charges” such as rape, child abuse or “malicious murder.” But then I am shocked when I hear that being gay goes in that same category of non tolerance.
In a system where inmates have so little control over anything they need to control something. Inmates have told me that things aren’t as they seem-the cops don’t control the pod, the inmates do. The codes of conduct are how they do it. The rule against gays in the pod may have to do with protection and survival. A gay man would not be safe in F-8, so in a sense is not allowed to stay for his own protection as well as for the protection of his group. Any racial group that admitted a gay man would be under attack from other groups. Gay men go to E-5 or into protective custody. (The gay culture in the women’s units is completely different- but that is for another paper)
I am amazed at how inmates manage racial tensions. I’ve heard that the mixing of races here in NM jails and prisons this is fairly unusual, that in other states races are separated to protect life. I appreciate how the different races group together (except the whites) and have representatives to handle disputes and make decisions in order to avert fights. I don’t know of many other situations in which the racial issue is so explicitly handled. as it is in this jail. My cultural conditioning about this as a white is to try to ignore it and hope it goes away. It’s refreshing and inspiring to be among people who are dealing with their own biases and alliances overtly, explicitly and in a way that will result in the least amount of violence.
Issues of survival and protection are foremost for incarcerated people. I’m sure that in their place I too would seek out my own kind for protection and safety. In my programs I
am doing whatever I can to help build bridges among the different groups. As Alonzo said many men use the Writing Group as a place to express their feelings and share vulnerabilities. When this happens in a multiracial classroom students begin to relate to each other with more compassion and acceptance as “brothers,” and racial divisions begin to fade. If I want to be able to connect with inmates and do so in a strong enough way to make a positive difference, its important for me to respect the survival issues they have to deal with all day every day. From that place I can begin to influence the field towards more tolerance and less violence.
hope and integrity
My group has been in lock down again for most of the week due to technical problems in master control. We started class with a deck of "needs" words spread out on the floor. Each person picked one card and said what was up for him about that today. "understanding" "hope" "to have my intentions seen" were some of the words. Because they had been cooped up all week, and it was a beautiful day we went out side and did some yoga. This class is 80% black and 20% Native American at this point. There was such a joy in being outside in the sun, and moving together. When I do yoga with young men I usually make it pretty challenging to help them burn off some of their excess energy and keep them focused. (I'm still sore form that session!)
At the end of the session I asked them to come back to the word they had chosen, and to say if doing yoga had given them a new perspective on the word.
One young man who is quite boisterous had chosen "integrity." When he first chose it he said "I'm not sure what this means but I think its important for me." After yoga he said
"What does it mean?" I said "it means wholeness." It means your thoughts, your feelings and your actions are all whole, all together. You do not think 'I shouldn't do this', then do it. You are whole like that." He said "yeah, that is important to me. I'm like that with you, with my friends, but not when its about what a nigga's gotta do to make money.I need to bring it to that too." I said " So integrity is something you have, and something you want to more of?" "yeah" he said.
A young Navaho man just found out his girl friend is pregnant. He picked the word "hope." He said he hoped that he would change his ways (drinking) for his baby, and give his child a good life, do it differently than what he had had growing up. He asked me to recommend a prenatal yoga teacher for his girl friend.
At the end of the session I asked them to come back to the word they had chosen, and to say if doing yoga had given them a new perspective on the word.
One young man who is quite boisterous had chosen "integrity." When he first chose it he said "I'm not sure what this means but I think its important for me." After yoga he said
"What does it mean?" I said "it means wholeness." It means your thoughts, your feelings and your actions are all whole, all together. You do not think 'I shouldn't do this', then do it. You are whole like that." He said "yeah, that is important to me. I'm like that with you, with my friends, but not when its about what a nigga's gotta do to make money.I need to bring it to that too." I said " So integrity is something you have, and something you want to more of?" "yeah" he said.
A young Navaho man just found out his girl friend is pregnant. He picked the word "hope." He said he hoped that he would change his ways (drinking) for his baby, and give his child a good life, do it differently than what he had had growing up. He asked me to recommend a prenatal yoga teacher for his girl friend.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
dancin'
Monday my students were all locked in their cells and had been for almost a week. On the TV Madonna was singing " Like a Virgin." The Officer let them our one by one. A couple of them danced across the day room to the classroom. Such joy, such resilience, such style.
Monday, April 25, 2011
death and breakfast
Last Friday a young guy was brought into my Pod, a housing unit of 60-90 inmates on a five day hold for probation violation. He was drunk and high, shaking, feeling really bad and repeatedly asked to be taken to medical. His requests were ignored. During the night he went into a seizure, and died.
We had class as usual Monday and Tuesday and no one mentioned this death. On Thursday morning there was a shakedown, which meant that a team of officers yelling and banging on doors at 5 am woke everyone up, handcuffed them and and took them out to the hall while the officers searched the rooms. Twelve mattresses and a random assortment of personal papers were confiscated. One of my students had made a drawing for his father's birthday which was taken. This shakedown wasn't that bad some said, because they allowed the men to talk in the hall, and did not make them squat in the shower to spread their butt cheeks like they usually do. Some were very shook up and furious because " all their shit" had been taken, some were like " its just another day in jail, no big deal. But for everyone this event brought up the pain and shock of the young guys death of a few days ago back up to the surface.
He was in an upstairs cell, and his body was removed on a stretcher during breakfast, bumping down the stairs while they munched. The Native Americans were deeply disturbed because in their tradition you do not eat in the presence of a dead body, and everyone was upset about the way the body had been just dragged down the stairs. No respect. I asked if anyone had said a few words or done any kind of service for the young man. No. So we held a few minutes of silence for him in class. Then we went on to our class which was to work with these quotes:
The Self cannot be pierced by weapons nor burned by fire;
Water cannot wet it, nor can the wind dry it.
The Self cannot be pierced or burned, made wet or dry.
It is everlasting, and infinite standing
on the motionless foundations of eternity.
The Bhagavad Gita 2:23
The Self is the light reflected by all.
He shining, everything shines after him.
Katha Upanishad 5:15
“There is a light within a man of light, and it lights up the whole world. If he does not shine, he is darkness.”
Jesus Christ
We read these aloud several times, then everyone wrote their personal responses to the line that most spoke to him, then read that aloud. By the end of class, there was a peaceful feeling in the room, and I felt we had taken one small step in coping with and honoring the young man's death.
We had class as usual Monday and Tuesday and no one mentioned this death. On Thursday morning there was a shakedown, which meant that a team of officers yelling and banging on doors at 5 am woke everyone up, handcuffed them and and took them out to the hall while the officers searched the rooms. Twelve mattresses and a random assortment of personal papers were confiscated. One of my students had made a drawing for his father's birthday which was taken. This shakedown wasn't that bad some said, because they allowed the men to talk in the hall, and did not make them squat in the shower to spread their butt cheeks like they usually do. Some were very shook up and furious because " all their shit" had been taken, some were like " its just another day in jail, no big deal. But for everyone this event brought up the pain and shock of the young guys death of a few days ago back up to the surface.
He was in an upstairs cell, and his body was removed on a stretcher during breakfast, bumping down the stairs while they munched. The Native Americans were deeply disturbed because in their tradition you do not eat in the presence of a dead body, and everyone was upset about the way the body had been just dragged down the stairs. No respect. I asked if anyone had said a few words or done any kind of service for the young man. No. So we held a few minutes of silence for him in class. Then we went on to our class which was to work with these quotes:
The Self cannot be pierced by weapons nor burned by fire;
Water cannot wet it, nor can the wind dry it.
The Self cannot be pierced or burned, made wet or dry.
It is everlasting, and infinite standing
on the motionless foundations of eternity.
The Bhagavad Gita 2:23
The Self is the light reflected by all.
He shining, everything shines after him.
Katha Upanishad 5:15
“There is a light within a man of light, and it lights up the whole world. If he does not shine, he is darkness.”
Jesus Christ
We read these aloud several times, then everyone wrote their personal responses to the line that most spoke to him, then read that aloud. By the end of class, there was a peaceful feeling in the room, and I felt we had taken one small step in coping with and honoring the young man's death.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
I cry myself to sleep
I brought in a new guy into the NonViolent Communication class a couple weeks ago. There was a bit of grumbling about him, some guys said he was crazy.
His first class we did a classic NVC exercise connecting an observation to a feeling to a need.
When it came to his turn came he said his wife didn't want him to have any contact with his daughters because he was in jail again. That he felt like killing her, and his need was to have a connection with his kids. His rage was palpable, and he had a tendency to go on and on and on. It was work to keep him focused.
He's repeat offender, and he's looking at a 92 years prison sentence.
By the end of this class, I'm doubting I can help him, and worried that he will be a pain and bring the level of the whole class down.
Next class we work on the idea of taking responsibility for our own feelings and needs instead of blaming others. He's a little quieter.
Next class we go over the list of basic human needs, and try seeing what people are doing and saying as an expression of those needs instead of judging them.
He said OK. I don't feel like killing my wife anymore, but I'm really missing my kids.
Next class we did an empathy practice. Each man talked about what was up for him, and then others guessed what he was feeling.
When it came to his turn this man said "I like listening to you all because I like hearing the hope you have for your lives. I have no hope. I'm a drug addict and I've been in the system since I was 9 years old, and I'm going to prison for the rest of my life. But I like hearing your hope, and your feelings because it means I might be able to deal with my own feelings. I cry myself to sleep every night, every night."
His first class we did a classic NVC exercise connecting an observation to a feeling to a need.
When it came to his turn came he said his wife didn't want him to have any contact with his daughters because he was in jail again. That he felt like killing her, and his need was to have a connection with his kids. His rage was palpable, and he had a tendency to go on and on and on. It was work to keep him focused.
He's repeat offender, and he's looking at a 92 years prison sentence.
By the end of this class, I'm doubting I can help him, and worried that he will be a pain and bring the level of the whole class down.
Next class we work on the idea of taking responsibility for our own feelings and needs instead of blaming others. He's a little quieter.
Next class we go over the list of basic human needs, and try seeing what people are doing and saying as an expression of those needs instead of judging them.
He said OK. I don't feel like killing my wife anymore, but I'm really missing my kids.
Next class we did an empathy practice. Each man talked about what was up for him, and then others guessed what he was feeling.
When it came to his turn this man said "I like listening to you all because I like hearing the hope you have for your lives. I have no hope. I'm a drug addict and I've been in the system since I was 9 years old, and I'm going to prison for the rest of my life. But I like hearing your hope, and your feelings because it means I might be able to deal with my own feelings. I cry myself to sleep every night, every night."
May all Beings be Happy
How sweet it is:
The lights turned down. Seventeen guys in the classroom, several new ones.
Chair yoga, a forward bend, a hip opener, a spinal twist, a lunge, a balancing pose.
Breathing: Ocean Sounding Breath for 15 breaths " let's sound like the Ocean"
Ocean Sounding breath with ears closed ( sounds much louder) for 10 breaths.
Meditation:
Focus your breath in your heart.
from your heart develop this positive intent towards yourself:
May I be happy
May I be safe
May I be free from suffering
May my heart remain open
Picture a loved one in front of you, connect your heart to their heart, send this positive intent towards them:
May you be happy
May you be safe
May you be free from suffering
May my heart remain open
Imagine a person you don't know, you have no positive or negative attitude about, a neutral person.
Send this positive intent towards them.
May you be happy
May you be safe
May you be free from suffering
May my heart remain open
Bring into your awareness everyone in this room
May every person in this room be happy
May you be safe
May you be free from suffering
May my heart remain open
Imagine a web of connections going out to all our relations, to everyone we know, all our relations
May all our relations be happy
May they be safe
May they be free from suffering
May their hearts remain open
Think of the whole world, all the beings who fly or walk or crawl or swim upon this earth,
May all Beings be happy
May they be safe
May they be free from suffering
May their hearts remain open
The we just sat in silence for a while
Then I asked them how this practice worked for them.
They said
I also prayed for my enemies, I always pray for them.
I don't have a loved one, so I sent my love to the loved ones of everyone else here.
It took a weight off my heart.
It changed my perspective.
I relaxed me.
I helped, it helped me forget I was here, and let go of the negativity of this place.
The lights turned down. Seventeen guys in the classroom, several new ones.
Chair yoga, a forward bend, a hip opener, a spinal twist, a lunge, a balancing pose.
Breathing: Ocean Sounding Breath for 15 breaths " let's sound like the Ocean"
Ocean Sounding breath with ears closed ( sounds much louder) for 10 breaths.
Meditation:
Focus your breath in your heart.
from your heart develop this positive intent towards yourself:
May I be happy
May I be safe
May I be free from suffering
May my heart remain open
Picture a loved one in front of you, connect your heart to their heart, send this positive intent towards them:
May you be happy
May you be safe
May you be free from suffering
May my heart remain open
Imagine a person you don't know, you have no positive or negative attitude about, a neutral person.
Send this positive intent towards them.
May you be happy
May you be safe
May you be free from suffering
May my heart remain open
Bring into your awareness everyone in this room
May every person in this room be happy
May you be safe
May you be free from suffering
May my heart remain open
Imagine a web of connections going out to all our relations, to everyone we know, all our relations
May all our relations be happy
May they be safe
May they be free from suffering
May their hearts remain open
Think of the whole world, all the beings who fly or walk or crawl or swim upon this earth,
May all Beings be happy
May they be safe
May they be free from suffering
May their hearts remain open
The we just sat in silence for a while
Then I asked them how this practice worked for them.
They said
I also prayed for my enemies, I always pray for them.
I don't have a loved one, so I sent my love to the loved ones of everyone else here.
It took a weight off my heart.
It changed my perspective.
I relaxed me.
I helped, it helped me forget I was here, and let go of the negativity of this place.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
warriors
Last week I talked with a Navaho man who has been detained at MDC for 12 months and five days. He had been my classes since September.
At twenty six he seems ageless, his handsome, scarred face and dark eyes showing a kind of seriousness and wisdom I have rarely seen. Perhaps what I am seeing in him is the face of a veteran, a warrior who has fought but is not defeated.
He was placed in a boarding school for Native American kids when he was five, and held in this place till he was nine. There he learned to fight to get food, to defend himself from bigger boys, to steal the money his grandma sent him for food back from the aides. There, he was left by his older brother who went to live with grandma, and his baby brother who went back to live with his mother. There he became a warrior. The person he does not want to be anymore. A person who learned to use his fists to get respect and to survive.
He is a free man today, eager to start life over, to take care of his children and to leave his fighting days behind him.
Yesterday I interviewed another man who was born a crack baby to a woman who stole him back from social services three times. Three sets of foster parents gave him back to social services because he was "too bad." Raging and tearing up the house. I don't quite get a how a baby of 15 months or two years could be "too bad", but that's his story.
Finally at three years old he got adopted by a family that loved him and kept him.
He's been in my class for about six months and he has a super angry demeanor, that absolutely calms down the minute you look him in the eye, and treat him with respect. Over the months he became one of the students who carries the class; keeps it focused, is trustworthy and reliable, and inside that hard shell, a very kind and creative person.
We talked about his youth in the "Bloods" in California, growing with a loving family who supported his athletic career, learning about music from a young age, seeing many of his friends shot to death or going to prison, and deciding to go into the music business.
He talked about what it was like to grow up where gangs originally started to protect the neighborhood and manage the drug trade. And how in time the money and power fuelled increasing violence among the gangs.
I have come to know and respect these two men for their integrity, their creativity, their devotion to their families and their courage. When I get a glimpse of how much culturally ingrained violence they have survived, I am appalled. I hold with them their dream of moving forward, leaving all that violence behind, taking care of their young families, and succeeding in their work.
At twenty six he seems ageless, his handsome, scarred face and dark eyes showing a kind of seriousness and wisdom I have rarely seen. Perhaps what I am seeing in him is the face of a veteran, a warrior who has fought but is not defeated.
He was placed in a boarding school for Native American kids when he was five, and held in this place till he was nine. There he learned to fight to get food, to defend himself from bigger boys, to steal the money his grandma sent him for food back from the aides. There, he was left by his older brother who went to live with grandma, and his baby brother who went back to live with his mother. There he became a warrior. The person he does not want to be anymore. A person who learned to use his fists to get respect and to survive.
He is a free man today, eager to start life over, to take care of his children and to leave his fighting days behind him.
Yesterday I interviewed another man who was born a crack baby to a woman who stole him back from social services three times. Three sets of foster parents gave him back to social services because he was "too bad." Raging and tearing up the house. I don't quite get a how a baby of 15 months or two years could be "too bad", but that's his story.
Finally at three years old he got adopted by a family that loved him and kept him.
He's been in my class for about six months and he has a super angry demeanor, that absolutely calms down the minute you look him in the eye, and treat him with respect. Over the months he became one of the students who carries the class; keeps it focused, is trustworthy and reliable, and inside that hard shell, a very kind and creative person.
We talked about his youth in the "Bloods" in California, growing with a loving family who supported his athletic career, learning about music from a young age, seeing many of his friends shot to death or going to prison, and deciding to go into the music business.
He talked about what it was like to grow up where gangs originally started to protect the neighborhood and manage the drug trade. And how in time the money and power fuelled increasing violence among the gangs.
I have come to know and respect these two men for their integrity, their creativity, their devotion to their families and their courage. When I get a glimpse of how much culturally ingrained violence they have survived, I am appalled. I hold with them their dream of moving forward, leaving all that violence behind, taking care of their young families, and succeeding in their work.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
sage in the yard
Strange week. No class on Monday due to facility wide lock down for some kind of electrical repair. Wednesday we had been in class about 20 minutes when they came and got us for another facility wide lock down to check the generator.
When this happens I feel deflated. All that prep, then nothing. The guys were down too, from being locked up in their cells all week.
Friday I went out for yoga. The day was perfectly beautiful, the desert blooming with wild flowers, the air moist and windy like the sea shore.
I walked in with my Bhavana Vandana a book of buddhist meditations and prayers, and a branch of white sage I had picked in the jail parking lot to use as a talking stick.
One inmate, John has taken responsibility for this project, managing the sign up sheet.
He had procured a good big broom and sweep the dust out the yard, and was waiting for me.
Jesus a guy with "bitches ain't shit" tatooed on the back of his shaved head, and words tatooed into his eye brows greeted me with "Hey Homie" and a complicated hand shake ending with a "tap".
Everyone was interested in the sage. Is it weed? they asked. Can we smoke it?
Janathan a native guy said, "you boil that and it will make your stomach better." Everyone smelled it. People broke of a few leaves crushed them and smelled the sweet clean smell of the earth. Many people recognized it a a purifying herb.
In the pod there is plenty of day light, windows two stories tall lit by the sky, but that's all you can see from in there: a rectangle of sky divided by wire mesh. You can't see the sun rise or set, you can't see smell or touch land, earth, tree or animal. Some people stay in there for as long as two years.
So the sage was a welcome visitor from the earth.
I stood outside in the sun, my back against the wall, waiting for the 30 men to assemble.
We don't have yoga mats yet, so we're using gray jail issue blankets, sheets or orange shirts.
The temperature was perfect, but its only May. I said "Its nice out here now, but in summer its gonna be so hot we'll have to do this at 7 am." They smiled and said "that will be nice."
We began some standing breathing exercises and then a series of forward bends.
A forward bend in jail is a charged situation and some crude jokes and laughing started.
I stood very still, and calm in my mountain pose and looked at the youngsters (19 -20 year olds ) who were making most of the noise.
Steve, who is in my writing group, looked at me, with a face like a 10 year old. "What?" he said.
I said "I'm waiting for you to focus."
"Oh" he said and he and his buddies got quiet.
A new kid standing next to me kept asking questions. I asked him to be quiet and just listen, but he kept it up. After a about 5 minutes of this I stopped and turned to him and said in a calm voice. "I want you to stop talking. There is no talking during yoga class." " He stormed off in a huff and said "I can learn if I can't ask questions."
Now 29 men were were present and ready to practice yoga. They did great, had fun, tried everything. Got into a pretty good flow with a series of sun salutations.
After the asana practice I lead them into a meditation and ended that with this reading from Bhavana Vandana
The Protection of Loving Kindness
May those with no feet receive my love;
May those with two feet receive my love;
May those with four feet receive my love;
May those with Many feel receive my love;
May those with no feet not hurt me;
May those with two feet not hurt me;
May those with four feet not hurt me;
May those with Many feel not hurt me;
May all beings, all those with life;
All who have become, all in their entirety;
May all see what is good;
May suffering not come to anyone.
Then Shane and Jonathan, two Dine men, got up and went to the big plastic lounge chair they use as a drum and sang blessing songs for us. Their demeanor was so dignified, and humble, the sacredness of their offering so complete, that everyone simply deepened in their stillness. And for a few luminous minutes we were quiet in the fragrance of sage, the warmth of the sun, the companionship of each other.
As the men returned to their cells after class a few asked me for copies of the reading on loving kindness, and the kid who had stormed out said " I'm sorry if I was disrespectful, miss. I'll do better next time.""
When this happens I feel deflated. All that prep, then nothing. The guys were down too, from being locked up in their cells all week.
Friday I went out for yoga. The day was perfectly beautiful, the desert blooming with wild flowers, the air moist and windy like the sea shore.
I walked in with my Bhavana Vandana a book of buddhist meditations and prayers, and a branch of white sage I had picked in the jail parking lot to use as a talking stick.
One inmate, John has taken responsibility for this project, managing the sign up sheet.
He had procured a good big broom and sweep the dust out the yard, and was waiting for me.
Jesus a guy with "bitches ain't shit" tatooed on the back of his shaved head, and words tatooed into his eye brows greeted me with "Hey Homie" and a complicated hand shake ending with a "tap".
Everyone was interested in the sage. Is it weed? they asked. Can we smoke it?
Janathan a native guy said, "you boil that and it will make your stomach better." Everyone smelled it. People broke of a few leaves crushed them and smelled the sweet clean smell of the earth. Many people recognized it a a purifying herb.
In the pod there is plenty of day light, windows two stories tall lit by the sky, but that's all you can see from in there: a rectangle of sky divided by wire mesh. You can't see the sun rise or set, you can't see smell or touch land, earth, tree or animal. Some people stay in there for as long as two years.
So the sage was a welcome visitor from the earth.
I stood outside in the sun, my back against the wall, waiting for the 30 men to assemble.
We don't have yoga mats yet, so we're using gray jail issue blankets, sheets or orange shirts.
The temperature was perfect, but its only May. I said "Its nice out here now, but in summer its gonna be so hot we'll have to do this at 7 am." They smiled and said "that will be nice."
We began some standing breathing exercises and then a series of forward bends.
A forward bend in jail is a charged situation and some crude jokes and laughing started.
I stood very still, and calm in my mountain pose and looked at the youngsters (19 -20 year olds ) who were making most of the noise.
Steve, who is in my writing group, looked at me, with a face like a 10 year old. "What?" he said.
I said "I'm waiting for you to focus."
"Oh" he said and he and his buddies got quiet.
A new kid standing next to me kept asking questions. I asked him to be quiet and just listen, but he kept it up. After a about 5 minutes of this I stopped and turned to him and said in a calm voice. "I want you to stop talking. There is no talking during yoga class." " He stormed off in a huff and said "I can learn if I can't ask questions."
Now 29 men were were present and ready to practice yoga. They did great, had fun, tried everything. Got into a pretty good flow with a series of sun salutations.
After the asana practice I lead them into a meditation and ended that with this reading from Bhavana Vandana
The Protection of Loving Kindness
May those with no feet receive my love;
May those with two feet receive my love;
May those with four feet receive my love;
May those with Many feel receive my love;
May those with no feet not hurt me;
May those with two feet not hurt me;
May those with four feet not hurt me;
May those with Many feel not hurt me;
May all beings, all those with life;
All who have become, all in their entirety;
May all see what is good;
May suffering not come to anyone.
Then Shane and Jonathan, two Dine men, got up and went to the big plastic lounge chair they use as a drum and sang blessing songs for us. Their demeanor was so dignified, and humble, the sacredness of their offering so complete, that everyone simply deepened in their stillness. And for a few luminous minutes we were quiet in the fragrance of sage, the warmth of the sun, the companionship of each other.
As the men returned to their cells after class a few asked me for copies of the reading on loving kindness, and the kid who had stormed out said " I'm sorry if I was disrespectful, miss. I'll do better next time.""
Thursday, May 6, 2010
This long and hurtful year has saved my life
The context: Writing class on Wensday May 5, 2010 opened with a reading and discussion of This passage from The Bhagavad Gita Chapter two verse 30:
"Arjuna; now listen to the principles of yoga. By practicing these you can break the bonds of karma. On this path effort never goes to waste, and there is no failure. Even a little effort toward spiritual awareness will protect you from the greatest fear."
During this discussion I added this quote to the mix:
"When the suffering is great, the Buddha appears."
We wrote about this and one man wrote this:
"When the Suffering is Great The Buddha Appears
When I was in the outside world I was doing a lot of bad things like kicking in doors. Once I threw someone off my second story balcony for disrespecting my ex-wife and my house. There were so many little things that had been building up over the past few years, and now I am sitting in jail for something that was not my fault, and I had to admit to breaking the law and have another felony conviction.(taking a plea)
Now that I have lost everything that made up my world I finally realized that a lot worse things could have happened to me, like killing someone, or having someone recognize me, and kill me in front of my loved ones.
Now that I am at the end of my time here at MDC, I realize that this long hurtful year has saved my life, and given me a new start, which I intend to take full advantage of.
I hope that all my bad karma has been repaid because I don't want a life behind bars, and now I have the tools to keep that old life behind me."
"Arjuna; now listen to the principles of yoga. By practicing these you can break the bonds of karma. On this path effort never goes to waste, and there is no failure. Even a little effort toward spiritual awareness will protect you from the greatest fear."
During this discussion I added this quote to the mix:
"When the suffering is great, the Buddha appears."
We wrote about this and one man wrote this:
"When the Suffering is Great The Buddha Appears
When I was in the outside world I was doing a lot of bad things like kicking in doors. Once I threw someone off my second story balcony for disrespecting my ex-wife and my house. There were so many little things that had been building up over the past few years, and now I am sitting in jail for something that was not my fault, and I had to admit to breaking the law and have another felony conviction.(taking a plea)
Now that I have lost everything that made up my world I finally realized that a lot worse things could have happened to me, like killing someone, or having someone recognize me, and kill me in front of my loved ones.
Now that I am at the end of my time here at MDC, I realize that this long hurtful year has saved my life, and given me a new start, which I intend to take full advantage of.
I hope that all my bad karma has been repaid because I don't want a life behind bars, and now I have the tools to keep that old life behind me."
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
At this age I especially love
In Writing Group we read a beautiful poem by Robert Bly ( see below) discussed it explored it, and then inspired by the lines
At This Age I especially love.... Wrote our own words.
I'll be posting their writing the Comienzos Web site.
Here's' what I wrote:
At this age I especially love
The way my daughter tells me her life over a boring bowl of broccolli.
The cold feet of my cat walking over my sleeping body
A good strong cup of coffee, sweet, with cream.
Sitting in a circle with "my men" hearing their wonderful lives.
The vastness of the ever changing sky
Singing with my friends
Fire light
Deep soul journeys with people I love and trust
Laughing till my stomach hurts, then some
Water colors, jewel colors, flower colors, sky colors, the colors of our skins
Drums beats quieting my restless mind into a wordless pulse
Knowing I am not alone but seen, heard and accompanied on this perilous and wondrous journey
Knowing for sure I can help
I HAVE DAUGHTERS AND I HAVE SONS by Robert Bly
1
Who is out there at six a.m.? The man
Throwing newspapers onto the porch,
And the roaming souls suddenly
Drawn down into their sleeping bodies.
2
Wild words of Jacob Boehme
Go on praising the human body,
But heavy words of the ascetics
Sway in the fall gales.
3
Do I have a right to my poems?
To my jokes? To my loves?
Oh foolish man, knowing nothing-
Less than nothing-about desire.
4
I have daughters and I have sons.
When one of them lays a hand
On my shoulder, shining fish
Turn suddenly in the deep sea.
5
At this age, I especially love dawn
On the sea, stars above the trees,
Pages in The Threefold Life,
And the pale faces of baby mice.
6
Our good life is made of struts
And paper, like those early
Wright Brothers planes. Neighbors
Run along holding the wing-tips.
7
I do love Yeats's decisiveness
As he jumps into a poem,
And that lovely calm in my father's
Hands, as he buttoned his coat.
At This Age I especially love.... Wrote our own words.
I'll be posting their writing the Comienzos Web site.
Here's' what I wrote:
At this age I especially love
The way my daughter tells me her life over a boring bowl of broccolli.
The cold feet of my cat walking over my sleeping body
A good strong cup of coffee, sweet, with cream.
Sitting in a circle with "my men" hearing their wonderful lives.
The vastness of the ever changing sky
Singing with my friends
Fire light
Deep soul journeys with people I love and trust
Laughing till my stomach hurts, then some
Water colors, jewel colors, flower colors, sky colors, the colors of our skins
Drums beats quieting my restless mind into a wordless pulse
Knowing I am not alone but seen, heard and accompanied on this perilous and wondrous journey
Knowing for sure I can help
I HAVE DAUGHTERS AND I HAVE SONS by Robert Bly
1
Who is out there at six a.m.? The man
Throwing newspapers onto the porch,
And the roaming souls suddenly
Drawn down into their sleeping bodies.
2
Wild words of Jacob Boehme
Go on praising the human body,
But heavy words of the ascetics
Sway in the fall gales.
3
Do I have a right to my poems?
To my jokes? To my loves?
Oh foolish man, knowing nothing-
Less than nothing-about desire.
4
I have daughters and I have sons.
When one of them lays a hand
On my shoulder, shining fish
Turn suddenly in the deep sea.
5
At this age, I especially love dawn
On the sea, stars above the trees,
Pages in The Threefold Life,
And the pale faces of baby mice.
6
Our good life is made of struts
And paper, like those early
Wright Brothers planes. Neighbors
Run along holding the wing-tips.
7
I do love Yeats's decisiveness
As he jumps into a poem,
And that lovely calm in my father's
Hands, as he buttoned his coat.
no mocking
Last Friday we tried something new in F-8. An outdoor yoga and meditation class for 30 people. My regular guys were skeptical about allowing more people to participate. They Said " They'll mock the yoga, Miss Tejal. They'll just mess around the whole time." Somehow the word got around that this was to be respected, and entered into with seriousness, because this is the way the men wanted it.
Thursday we had 50-60 miles an hours winds and cold, and Friday started off blustery, snow showers, and generally psychotic New Mexico spring weather. Standing out in the reck yard at 2:10, waiting for my guys, the sun broke through and made a twisty grid pattern through the wire mesh.
The men stood, chilly in their cotton orange jail uniforms, and I asked them to spread out and find a spot of sun, make sure they had enough room to swing their arms around
without hitting any one. There was a quiet expectancy, and little bit of nervous laughter.
We did about 45 minutes of postures, and fell into the peaceful entrainment that inevitably comes from practicing yoga together, each man in his own square of sun light and brilliant blue sky.
We sat in meditation for 10 minutes, then one young man sang a beautiful song, a sweet ballad for his girl.
Then we passed a candy wrapper for a talking stick. I heard men praying for the safety and well being of their families, and may they lack nothing.
I heard men saying "Thank you for taking your time to be with us." I heard men saying "I was was stressed and gloomy before, now I see things in perspective."
I said "I have been doing yoga for 30 years, and wherever I go in the world it feels like this: People feeling right with each other."
I heard no mocking.
Thursday we had 50-60 miles an hours winds and cold, and Friday started off blustery, snow showers, and generally psychotic New Mexico spring weather. Standing out in the reck yard at 2:10, waiting for my guys, the sun broke through and made a twisty grid pattern through the wire mesh.
The men stood, chilly in their cotton orange jail uniforms, and I asked them to spread out and find a spot of sun, make sure they had enough room to swing their arms around
without hitting any one. There was a quiet expectancy, and little bit of nervous laughter.
We did about 45 minutes of postures, and fell into the peaceful entrainment that inevitably comes from practicing yoga together, each man in his own square of sun light and brilliant blue sky.
We sat in meditation for 10 minutes, then one young man sang a beautiful song, a sweet ballad for his girl.
Then we passed a candy wrapper for a talking stick. I heard men praying for the safety and well being of their families, and may they lack nothing.
I heard men saying "Thank you for taking your time to be with us." I heard men saying "I was was stressed and gloomy before, now I see things in perspective."
I said "I have been doing yoga for 30 years, and wherever I go in the world it feels like this: People feeling right with each other."
I heard no mocking.
Monday, March 29, 2010
sally port
The other day I was waiting in the sally port with my students, 15 or 16 guys. "Suspect" goes "Your fuckin tag is showing, homes!" And tucks in the tag to my shirt.
A few months earlier a CO (guard) accompanied us into the sally port. This has never happened before. I've gone through the sally port with inmates and without escort hundreds of times. There's quite a bit of muttering about this.
"Why's the Co with us?'
"There's a new rule, women have to be escorted in the sally port"
"Aww we would never hurt Tejal!"
"No way!" "She's our teacher, man"
"Besides if we tried, She'd kick our ass!"
That was the first and last time I've been escorted in the sally port.
My very first time in the sally port, a glass and metal space about the size of a freight elevator and always about 85 degrees, the fellow who was training me left me alone in there with 12 guys in orange. I was nervous, my first day on the job.
One guy said "hey how many of you guys are in here for violent crimes?" They ALL raised their hands. I was scared, but kept my feet on the ground and kept eye contact with the guys right next to me. I saw the twinkle in his eyes, and realized, that although they may indeed be there for violent crime, they were just messing with me.
We did the 90 minute class, and I got to teach in this setting for the first time. The sincerity, humility, heart, and wisdom the men shared blew me away. During the check out I heard " Thank you Miss Tejal for seeing us for who we really are.' "Thank you miss, for treating us with respect." " Thank you, miss for seeing past the orange."
A few months earlier a CO (guard) accompanied us into the sally port. This has never happened before. I've gone through the sally port with inmates and without escort hundreds of times. There's quite a bit of muttering about this.
"Why's the Co with us?'
"There's a new rule, women have to be escorted in the sally port"
"Aww we would never hurt Tejal!"
"No way!" "She's our teacher, man"
"Besides if we tried, She'd kick our ass!"
That was the first and last time I've been escorted in the sally port.
My very first time in the sally port, a glass and metal space about the size of a freight elevator and always about 85 degrees, the fellow who was training me left me alone in there with 12 guys in orange. I was nervous, my first day on the job.
One guy said "hey how many of you guys are in here for violent crimes?" They ALL raised their hands. I was scared, but kept my feet on the ground and kept eye contact with the guys right next to me. I saw the twinkle in his eyes, and realized, that although they may indeed be there for violent crime, they were just messing with me.
We did the 90 minute class, and I got to teach in this setting for the first time. The sincerity, humility, heart, and wisdom the men shared blew me away. During the check out I heard " Thank you Miss Tejal for seeing us for who we really are.' "Thank you miss, for treating us with respect." " Thank you, miss for seeing past the orange."
Friday, March 12, 2010
How can I create a helping relationship? Carl Rogers
In his book On Becoming A Person Carl Rogers asks himself
“ How can I create a helping relationship?
These are some of the questions he asks:
1. Can I be in some way, which will be perceived by the other as trustworthy, as dependable or consistent in some deep sense?
2. Can I let myself experience positive attitudes toward this person - attitudes of warmth, caring, liking, interest, respect?
3. Can I be strong enough as a person to be separate from the other?
4. Can I be a sturdy respecter of my own feelings, my own needs, as well as his?
5. Am I strong enough in my own separateness that I will not be downcast by his depression, frightened by his fear, nor engulfed by his dependency?
6. Is my inner self hardy enough to realize I am not destroyed by his anger, nor enslaved by his love, but that I exist separate from him with feelings and rights of my own?
7. Can I permit him to be what he is – honest or deceitful, infantile or adult, despairing or over-confident?
8. Can I give him freedom just to be, without feeling that he should follow my advice, nor remain somewhat dependent on me, nor mold himself after me?
9. Can I step into his world so completely that I lose all desire to evaluate or judge it?
10. Can I meet this other individual as a person who is in the process of becoming, or will I be bound by his past as well as my past?
These questions and attitudes are the foundation upon which I walk into my work in the jail, and the churches and yoga centers where I also teach. This attitude provides me with a clear open space in which real connection and healing can happen.
I shared this list of questions with my class recently, we discussed each question, then I asked them which ones were the most important to them.
Felipe who is a charming fellow with a major meth problem said "1. Can I be in some way, which will be perceived by the other as trustworthy, as dependable or consistent in some deep sense?" He said "My family has had it with me. It will take a long time for me to rebuild their trust."
Several men chose "10.Can I meet this other individual as a person who is in the process of becoming, or will I be bound by his past as well as my past?" "We need to let go of the past'" they said.
And several more chose "6.Is my inner self hardy enough to realize I am not destroyed by his(her) anger, nor enslaved by his(her) love, but that I exist separate from him(her) with feelings and rights of my own?"
I was surprised because they were so quiet during this discussion that I wasn't sure any one was getting much out of it. But it turns out that question # 6 was deeply relevant. The need to live and let live is so important, especially when things get intense.
“ How can I create a helping relationship?
These are some of the questions he asks:
1. Can I be in some way, which will be perceived by the other as trustworthy, as dependable or consistent in some deep sense?
2. Can I let myself experience positive attitudes toward this person - attitudes of warmth, caring, liking, interest, respect?
3. Can I be strong enough as a person to be separate from the other?
4. Can I be a sturdy respecter of my own feelings, my own needs, as well as his?
5. Am I strong enough in my own separateness that I will not be downcast by his depression, frightened by his fear, nor engulfed by his dependency?
6. Is my inner self hardy enough to realize I am not destroyed by his anger, nor enslaved by his love, but that I exist separate from him with feelings and rights of my own?
7. Can I permit him to be what he is – honest or deceitful, infantile or adult, despairing or over-confident?
8. Can I give him freedom just to be, without feeling that he should follow my advice, nor remain somewhat dependent on me, nor mold himself after me?
9. Can I step into his world so completely that I lose all desire to evaluate or judge it?
10. Can I meet this other individual as a person who is in the process of becoming, or will I be bound by his past as well as my past?
These questions and attitudes are the foundation upon which I walk into my work in the jail, and the churches and yoga centers where I also teach. This attitude provides me with a clear open space in which real connection and healing can happen.
I shared this list of questions with my class recently, we discussed each question, then I asked them which ones were the most important to them.
Felipe who is a charming fellow with a major meth problem said "1. Can I be in some way, which will be perceived by the other as trustworthy, as dependable or consistent in some deep sense?" He said "My family has had it with me. It will take a long time for me to rebuild their trust."
Several men chose "10.Can I meet this other individual as a person who is in the process of becoming, or will I be bound by his past as well as my past?" "We need to let go of the past'" they said.
And several more chose "6.Is my inner self hardy enough to realize I am not destroyed by his(her) anger, nor enslaved by his(her) love, but that I exist separate from him(her) with feelings and rights of my own?"
I was surprised because they were so quiet during this discussion that I wasn't sure any one was getting much out of it. But it turns out that question # 6 was deeply relevant. The need to live and let live is so important, especially when things get intense.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
how felons would rule the world
Monday I showed the movie 2012 to eighteen men held in the highest felony classification at MDC. Wednesday we talked about the film. I asked them
"If you were on one of those arcs, and landed in a new world: how would you run it?
They said:
1. We would organize people right way to raise stock and get agriculture going.
2. Everyone would receive land to cultivate.
3. We would set up communication systems and technology to keep everyone connected right away.
4. All leaders would be volunteers, not paid in order to eliminate corruption.
5. We would govern ourselves by counsels like Native Americans. Everyone has a voice.
6. There would be no money, but a barter system.
7. Child molesters, rapists, and malicious murderers would be tried by a counsel of their peers and swiftly put to death if found guilty.
8. Herbs such as marijuana and poppy would be respected for their and recreational medical value and be legal.
9. Diversity and unity wold be developed through education.
"If you were on one of those arcs, and landed in a new world: how would you run it?
They said:
1. We would organize people right way to raise stock and get agriculture going.
2. Everyone would receive land to cultivate.
3. We would set up communication systems and technology to keep everyone connected right away.
4. All leaders would be volunteers, not paid in order to eliminate corruption.
5. We would govern ourselves by counsels like Native Americans. Everyone has a voice.
6. There would be no money, but a barter system.
7. Child molesters, rapists, and malicious murderers would be tried by a counsel of their peers and swiftly put to death if found guilty.
8. Herbs such as marijuana and poppy would be respected for their and recreational medical value and be legal.
9. Diversity and unity wold be developed through education.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
a fierce and joyful sound
Sheets of rain swept across the desert as I drove out to the volcanoes Monday. Clouds sailed across the sky drenching parts of the road, city neighborhoods, Kirtland Air Force Base, and acres of desert. A small mountain in the distance glowed white and blue under the clouds, melodramatic rays of sunlight blessing its stony flanks. Driving in the desert is a lot like sailing on the sea. You can see whole weather formations build and resolve. We don't really have rainy days, but watch distinct rain clouds on the move. In summer its so hot that rain sometimes burns up and evaporates before it ever hits the ground.
As I travel across this landscape on my way to the jail, I am deeply grateful, aware that my students never get to see this heavenly drama; only a small rectangle of sky through metal mesh in the ceiling of the reck yard.
Last week we had an early warm spell, hinting of spring. I heard a racket of men shouting when I got to the parking lot, figured they were enjoyed some rowdy games of hand ball on this mild day.
I made my way to my pod through the maze of security, sally ports and endless hall ways stinking of wax and ammonia. Most of my guys were indeed outside. Maybe thirty bare chested men were playing hand ball in the reck yard. Four Native Americans back in the corner were using a plastic lounge chair as a drum, singing their hearts out, making an enormous, fierce and joyful sound.
As I travel across this landscape on my way to the jail, I am deeply grateful, aware that my students never get to see this heavenly drama; only a small rectangle of sky through metal mesh in the ceiling of the reck yard.
Last week we had an early warm spell, hinting of spring. I heard a racket of men shouting when I got to the parking lot, figured they were enjoyed some rowdy games of hand ball on this mild day.
I made my way to my pod through the maze of security, sally ports and endless hall ways stinking of wax and ammonia. Most of my guys were indeed outside. Maybe thirty bare chested men were playing hand ball in the reck yard. Four Native Americans back in the corner were using a plastic lounge chair as a drum, singing their hearts out, making an enormous, fierce and joyful sound.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Radiance
In my writing class we talk about a topic, write about it, and then read what we've written. I wrote this in class on 2/23/2010.
Shame, depression, anxiety, hurt, anger, failure, disappointment, fatigue, loneliness, jealousy, not belonging, sadness, grief- all experiences I've had. They feel heavy, drag me down, make me want to curl up under the covers and hide. Make me want to give up, cuss somebody out, scream, cry. This is one side of my human experience.
On the other side there is the simple pleasure of cutting up vegetables to make a nice meal for my friends and family. On this side I walk into work and feel good about it.
I love, sing, make things beautiful, feel smart and capable. I bounce back, go for a walk and feel the land's intelligence, the benediction of the sky.
I walk a tight rope between these two sides. I use my skills to stay on the bright side as much as possible.
Beyond these two sides is an awareness that sees it all, smiling serenely. An instant of this awareness shifts me from a worried, depressed lump to a radiant being, who is able to see your radiance too.
Shame, depression, anxiety, hurt, anger, failure, disappointment, fatigue, loneliness, jealousy, not belonging, sadness, grief- all experiences I've had. They feel heavy, drag me down, make me want to curl up under the covers and hide. Make me want to give up, cuss somebody out, scream, cry. This is one side of my human experience.
On the other side there is the simple pleasure of cutting up vegetables to make a nice meal for my friends and family. On this side I walk into work and feel good about it.
I love, sing, make things beautiful, feel smart and capable. I bounce back, go for a walk and feel the land's intelligence, the benediction of the sky.
I walk a tight rope between these two sides. I use my skills to stay on the bright side as much as possible.
Beyond these two sides is an awareness that sees it all, smiling serenely. An instant of this awareness shifts me from a worried, depressed lump to a radiant being, who is able to see your radiance too.
If you smile I will shoot you
Wednesday I saw a big group of guys in orange sitting in the huge mirror polished hallway guarded by 6 or 8 armed security guards, six more security guys in midnight blue, backs as wide as doors, were sitting a table in the pod. No sign of inmates; turns out they were the ones sitting in the hall. The sargeant told me they were doing a shake down because two guys OD'd on heroin in my pod. They were going to empty each cell, tear apart every mattress, search with narcotic dogs, then strip and cavity search the 78 men who live in that pod.
As I left, two big gorgeous narc dogs, held in tight by their armed masters, sniffed me, and wagged their tails.
I came back Monday and walked in the Pod to cheers: COMIENZOS! They yelled, grinning and pumping fists. I took names for my waiting list (17) and gathered my 14 students.
We got into the class room, and got caught up on who had gone to seg, who had gone home, and who had gone to prison. I asked them how they were about the OD's and the Shake down and they said just another day at MDC, no big deal. We missed class though, they said.
A couple guys gave book reports: one on Cider House Rules by John Irving, I wrote the themes he talked about on the board: orphanage, abortion, foster care, Rules other people make up for you.
Jonathan is reading the Bhagavad Gita. He said he had gotten to page 70 and he was really loving it. He said he kept reading it over and over.
"What's in that book is the way you teach this class" he said. "I'm glad you got that!" I said and read
"The Self cannot be pierced with weapons nor burned with fire;
water cannot wet it, nor can the wind dry it.
The Self cannot be pierced or burned, made wet or dry.
It is everlasting and infinite,
standing on the motionless foundation of eternity."
We talked about this a bit, then I gave them 15 minutes to write in response to these themes.
Alonzo wrote about going to boarding school age five, learning to fight for his life there.
Ray talked about the horrible foster homes he's been in.
Anthony told about growing up in an orphanage because his alcoholic Mom had given him up, going from there to many foster homes, and from there to living in garages. His auntie called him when his Mom was dying. He flew three hours only to arrive moments after she had passed. When he saw her cold and lifeless body he yelled "Oh no you don't you bitch! wake up! you wake up! I just flew three hours to get here!" And she did! She opened here eyes and smiled at him, then left for good.
The class decided they wanted to study more of the Gita so we're adding this to our regular routine.
Next came the Communication class. Asked them about the shake down: Not that big a deal, we missed class, they said.
We were working on how to respond to a difficult message, an exercise that helps to shift out of blame and helps to respond with empathy.
I asked them for examples of messages they have received that were difficult to hear.
They were:
Alonzo's public defender:
"Even though you have been detained here without trail since May of 2009, I am not going to open your case until March of 2010." ( this time span means he will lose his parental rights.)
Felipe's Family:
"We hate it when you are drinking and using meth. It makes you a different person."
The security guards talking to Jamie while they were sitting in the hall handcuffed during the shake down:
"If you smile I will shoot you." ( with pepper spray )
The security guards to Richard shoots the wall over his head and says:
"If you laugh again I will shoot you."
His self empathy response: "ummm I'm helpless here"
His empathy for the guard: "Since you are showing these young recruits how its done, you must need to demonstrate total control over the situation."
It was a good class. We noticed how much everyone calmed down and got clear minded when we went to empathy; reflected on how you can't necessarily change the other person's behavior, but you have less stress yourself when you focus on empathy.
As I left, two big gorgeous narc dogs, held in tight by their armed masters, sniffed me, and wagged their tails.
I came back Monday and walked in the Pod to cheers: COMIENZOS! They yelled, grinning and pumping fists. I took names for my waiting list (17) and gathered my 14 students.
We got into the class room, and got caught up on who had gone to seg, who had gone home, and who had gone to prison. I asked them how they were about the OD's and the Shake down and they said just another day at MDC, no big deal. We missed class though, they said.
A couple guys gave book reports: one on Cider House Rules by John Irving, I wrote the themes he talked about on the board: orphanage, abortion, foster care, Rules other people make up for you.
Jonathan is reading the Bhagavad Gita. He said he had gotten to page 70 and he was really loving it. He said he kept reading it over and over.
"What's in that book is the way you teach this class" he said. "I'm glad you got that!" I said and read
"The Self cannot be pierced with weapons nor burned with fire;
water cannot wet it, nor can the wind dry it.
The Self cannot be pierced or burned, made wet or dry.
It is everlasting and infinite,
standing on the motionless foundation of eternity."
We talked about this a bit, then I gave them 15 minutes to write in response to these themes.
Alonzo wrote about going to boarding school age five, learning to fight for his life there.
Ray talked about the horrible foster homes he's been in.
Anthony told about growing up in an orphanage because his alcoholic Mom had given him up, going from there to many foster homes, and from there to living in garages. His auntie called him when his Mom was dying. He flew three hours only to arrive moments after she had passed. When he saw her cold and lifeless body he yelled "Oh no you don't you bitch! wake up! you wake up! I just flew three hours to get here!" And she did! She opened here eyes and smiled at him, then left for good.
The class decided they wanted to study more of the Gita so we're adding this to our regular routine.
Next came the Communication class. Asked them about the shake down: Not that big a deal, we missed class, they said.
We were working on how to respond to a difficult message, an exercise that helps to shift out of blame and helps to respond with empathy.
I asked them for examples of messages they have received that were difficult to hear.
They were:
Alonzo's public defender:
"Even though you have been detained here without trail since May of 2009, I am not going to open your case until March of 2010." ( this time span means he will lose his parental rights.)
Felipe's Family:
"We hate it when you are drinking and using meth. It makes you a different person."
The security guards talking to Jamie while they were sitting in the hall handcuffed during the shake down:
"If you smile I will shoot you." ( with pepper spray )
The security guards to Richard shoots the wall over his head and says:
"If you laugh again I will shoot you."
His self empathy response: "ummm I'm helpless here"
His empathy for the guard: "Since you are showing these young recruits how its done, you must need to demonstrate total control over the situation."
It was a good class. We noticed how much everyone calmed down and got clear minded when we went to empathy; reflected on how you can't necessarily change the other person's behavior, but you have less stress yourself when you focus on empathy.
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