In my writing class we talk about a topic, write about it, and then read what we've written. I wrote this in class on 2/23/2010.
Shame, depression, anxiety, hurt, anger, failure, disappointment, fatigue, loneliness, jealousy, not belonging, sadness, grief- all experiences I've had. They feel heavy, drag me down, make me want to curl up under the covers and hide. Make me want to give up, cuss somebody out, scream, cry. This is one side of my human experience.
On the other side there is the simple pleasure of cutting up vegetables to make a nice meal for my friends and family. On this side I walk into work and feel good about it.
I love, sing, make things beautiful, feel smart and capable. I bounce back, go for a walk and feel the land's intelligence, the benediction of the sky.
I walk a tight rope between these two sides. I use my skills to stay on the bright side as much as possible.
Beyond these two sides is an awareness that sees it all, smiling serenely. An instant of this awareness shifts me from a worried, depressed lump to a radiant being, who is able to see your radiance too.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
If you smile I will shoot you
Wednesday I saw a big group of guys in orange sitting in the huge mirror polished hallway guarded by 6 or 8 armed security guards, six more security guys in midnight blue, backs as wide as doors, were sitting a table in the pod. No sign of inmates; turns out they were the ones sitting in the hall. The sargeant told me they were doing a shake down because two guys OD'd on heroin in my pod. They were going to empty each cell, tear apart every mattress, search with narcotic dogs, then strip and cavity search the 78 men who live in that pod.
As I left, two big gorgeous narc dogs, held in tight by their armed masters, sniffed me, and wagged their tails.
I came back Monday and walked in the Pod to cheers: COMIENZOS! They yelled, grinning and pumping fists. I took names for my waiting list (17) and gathered my 14 students.
We got into the class room, and got caught up on who had gone to seg, who had gone home, and who had gone to prison. I asked them how they were about the OD's and the Shake down and they said just another day at MDC, no big deal. We missed class though, they said.
A couple guys gave book reports: one on Cider House Rules by John Irving, I wrote the themes he talked about on the board: orphanage, abortion, foster care, Rules other people make up for you.
Jonathan is reading the Bhagavad Gita. He said he had gotten to page 70 and he was really loving it. He said he kept reading it over and over.
"What's in that book is the way you teach this class" he said. "I'm glad you got that!" I said and read
"The Self cannot be pierced with weapons nor burned with fire;
water cannot wet it, nor can the wind dry it.
The Self cannot be pierced or burned, made wet or dry.
It is everlasting and infinite,
standing on the motionless foundation of eternity."
We talked about this a bit, then I gave them 15 minutes to write in response to these themes.
Alonzo wrote about going to boarding school age five, learning to fight for his life there.
Ray talked about the horrible foster homes he's been in.
Anthony told about growing up in an orphanage because his alcoholic Mom had given him up, going from there to many foster homes, and from there to living in garages. His auntie called him when his Mom was dying. He flew three hours only to arrive moments after she had passed. When he saw her cold and lifeless body he yelled "Oh no you don't you bitch! wake up! you wake up! I just flew three hours to get here!" And she did! She opened here eyes and smiled at him, then left for good.
The class decided they wanted to study more of the Gita so we're adding this to our regular routine.
Next came the Communication class. Asked them about the shake down: Not that big a deal, we missed class, they said.
We were working on how to respond to a difficult message, an exercise that helps to shift out of blame and helps to respond with empathy.
I asked them for examples of messages they have received that were difficult to hear.
They were:
Alonzo's public defender:
"Even though you have been detained here without trail since May of 2009, I am not going to open your case until March of 2010." ( this time span means he will lose his parental rights.)
Felipe's Family:
"We hate it when you are drinking and using meth. It makes you a different person."
The security guards talking to Jamie while they were sitting in the hall handcuffed during the shake down:
"If you smile I will shoot you." ( with pepper spray )
The security guards to Richard shoots the wall over his head and says:
"If you laugh again I will shoot you."
His self empathy response: "ummm I'm helpless here"
His empathy for the guard: "Since you are showing these young recruits how its done, you must need to demonstrate total control over the situation."
It was a good class. We noticed how much everyone calmed down and got clear minded when we went to empathy; reflected on how you can't necessarily change the other person's behavior, but you have less stress yourself when you focus on empathy.
As I left, two big gorgeous narc dogs, held in tight by their armed masters, sniffed me, and wagged their tails.
I came back Monday and walked in the Pod to cheers: COMIENZOS! They yelled, grinning and pumping fists. I took names for my waiting list (17) and gathered my 14 students.
We got into the class room, and got caught up on who had gone to seg, who had gone home, and who had gone to prison. I asked them how they were about the OD's and the Shake down and they said just another day at MDC, no big deal. We missed class though, they said.
A couple guys gave book reports: one on Cider House Rules by John Irving, I wrote the themes he talked about on the board: orphanage, abortion, foster care, Rules other people make up for you.
Jonathan is reading the Bhagavad Gita. He said he had gotten to page 70 and he was really loving it. He said he kept reading it over and over.
"What's in that book is the way you teach this class" he said. "I'm glad you got that!" I said and read
"The Self cannot be pierced with weapons nor burned with fire;
water cannot wet it, nor can the wind dry it.
The Self cannot be pierced or burned, made wet or dry.
It is everlasting and infinite,
standing on the motionless foundation of eternity."
We talked about this a bit, then I gave them 15 minutes to write in response to these themes.
Alonzo wrote about going to boarding school age five, learning to fight for his life there.
Ray talked about the horrible foster homes he's been in.
Anthony told about growing up in an orphanage because his alcoholic Mom had given him up, going from there to many foster homes, and from there to living in garages. His auntie called him when his Mom was dying. He flew three hours only to arrive moments after she had passed. When he saw her cold and lifeless body he yelled "Oh no you don't you bitch! wake up! you wake up! I just flew three hours to get here!" And she did! She opened here eyes and smiled at him, then left for good.
The class decided they wanted to study more of the Gita so we're adding this to our regular routine.
Next came the Communication class. Asked them about the shake down: Not that big a deal, we missed class, they said.
We were working on how to respond to a difficult message, an exercise that helps to shift out of blame and helps to respond with empathy.
I asked them for examples of messages they have received that were difficult to hear.
They were:
Alonzo's public defender:
"Even though you have been detained here without trail since May of 2009, I am not going to open your case until March of 2010." ( this time span means he will lose his parental rights.)
Felipe's Family:
"We hate it when you are drinking and using meth. It makes you a different person."
The security guards talking to Jamie while they were sitting in the hall handcuffed during the shake down:
"If you smile I will shoot you." ( with pepper spray )
The security guards to Richard shoots the wall over his head and says:
"If you laugh again I will shoot you."
His self empathy response: "ummm I'm helpless here"
His empathy for the guard: "Since you are showing these young recruits how its done, you must need to demonstrate total control over the situation."
It was a good class. We noticed how much everyone calmed down and got clear minded when we went to empathy; reflected on how you can't necessarily change the other person's behavior, but you have less stress yourself when you focus on empathy.
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