How can I create a helping relationship? Carl Rogers

In his book On Becoming A Person Carl Rogers asks himself
“ How can I create a helping relationship?

These are some of the questions he asks:


1. Can I be in some way, which will be perceived by the other as trustworthy, as dependable or consistent in some deep sense?

2. Can I let myself experience positive attitudes toward this person - attitudes of warmth, caring, liking, interest, respect?

3. Can I be strong enough as a person to be separate from the other?


4. Can I be a sturdy respecter of my own feelings, my own needs, as well as his?


5. Am I strong enough in my own separateness that I will not be downcast by his depression, frightened by his fear, nor engulfed by his dependency?


6. Is my inner self hardy enough to realize I am not destroyed by his anger, nor enslaved by his love, but that I exist separate from him with feelings and rights of my own?


7. Can I permit him to be what he is – honest or deceitful, infantile or adult, despairing or over-confident?


8. Can I give him freedom just to be, without feeling that he should follow my advice, nor remain somewhat dependent on me, nor mold himself after me?


9. Can I step into his world so completely that I lose all desire to evaluate or judge it?


10. Can I meet this other individual as a person who is in the process of becoming, or will I be bound by his past as well as my past?

These questions and attitudes are the foundation upon which I walk into my work in the jail, and the churches and yoga centers where I also teach. This attitude provides me with a clear open space in which real connection and healing can happen.

I shared this list of questions with my class recently, we discussed each question, then I asked them which ones were the most important to them.

Felipe who is a charming fellow with a major meth problem said "1. Can I be in some way, which will be perceived by the other as trustworthy, as dependable or consistent in some deep sense?" He said "My family has had it with me. It will take a long time for me to rebuild their trust."

Several men chose "10.Can I meet this other individual as a person who is in the process of becoming, or will I be bound by his past as well as my past?" "We need to let go of the past'" they said.

And several more chose "6.Is my inner self hardy enough to realize I am not destroyed by his(her) anger, nor enslaved by his(her) love, but that I exist separate from him(her) with feelings and rights of my own?"

I was surprised because they were so quiet during this discussion that I wasn't sure any one was getting much out of it. But it turns out that question # 6 was deeply relevant. The need to live and let live is so important, especially when things get intense.